happiness

I just finished reading a pretty amazing article about a long-term case study on what makes for a happy life...Here are some quotes that I found quite poignant from some of the case subjects...

Also, for my own purposes, I am including a quote from my grandmother on how she felt about her marriage to the man I consider my grandfather and who she considers the great love of her life.


"It's very hard for most of us to tolerate being loved"

This stood out to me because the man who said this was describing his inability to read some 100 letters written by former patients of his regarding their gratitude and love for him. Upon his retirement, the man's wife secretly wrote to his patients to see if they would send a "thank you" letter. She gathered the numerous responses, put them in a pretty box and wrapped them in Thai silk. Some ten years later, he had not been able to bring himself to read them and he didn't know why. He was considered one of the most exemplary individuals within the study in terms of a high level of happiness within his own life.

The next few quotes are from the head of the study, George Valliant, an interesting case himself. These quotes explain, in a very simple way, what he considers to be key factors in the level of happiness within our lives.

"Money does little to make us happier once basic needs have been met"

Phew! That takes a lot of pressure of my shoulders! ;)

"Marriage and Faith lead to happiness"

This was more of a general observation from his findings although he noted that happier people tended to be more likely to attract marriage or spiritual practices.

"A pre-disposition to stay at a certain level of happiness accounts for 50% of our well-being, 10% is dictated by circumstance and 40% is within our control"

This makes me feel good about my chances as I think I am a generally very happy person. It also ties in with one of his main hypotheses that states that how happy one considers their life is largely due to how they deal with struggle and hardship. "Attitude is huge" is one of his most basic points.

"The very way we deal w/reality is by distorting it and we do this subconsciously"

I find this quote intensely intriguing at all. It has a lot to do, again, with perspective. However, it also acknowledges the fragility of our human condition.

This last quote was one of his favorites from one of his favorite subjects---a man he considered to be both simultaneously depressed and exuberently joyful at most periods in his life-a very functional alcoholic who would come out of the closet in his 70's....This quote articulates what this man considered to be one of his greatest life lessons:

"It's important to care and to try, even tho the effects of one's caring and trying may be absurd, futile or so woven into the future as to be indetectable"

I also love this quote because it reminds me of a song I wrote years ago in a vulnerable attempt to be slightly political in my music for once-to try to say something that I deemed important to the masses. It was also my philosophy for dealing with the angst that sometimes comes from trying, with as much unwavering courage as one can stand, to be a good person when it doesn't always seem to reap a reward.

The article discussed intimate relationships and what a huge part they played in the general self-assessment of happiness within one's life. Any one who knows me knows that I am obsessed with these types of relationships and work hard in my life to maintain them as my greatest assetts. While visiting with my grandmother this weekend, we discussed (as we often do) her last marriage with my grandfather who I adored. He was the great love of her life and the most successful, if solely successful of her three marriages. She's told me on more than one occasion that she believes that a good marriage is based on true friendship. When I asked her how she felt about her self within that marriage she said this:

"I felt safe. I felt confident, and I knew exactly how much he cared for me at all times"

She went on to say,

"the glow of romance will inevitably fade away but the longevity of a marriage lies in having fun with your best friend"

Although I think I have always been a member of the "friend as lover" camp, I think that this particular description of her marriage may have come off as somewhat boring to me at other times in life. Who cares about feeling safe? However, the place I am in now can certainly relate to that set of values and cherish how they create an ability to continue to grow in life. To feel safe to me now means to feel whole and to feel whole within one's self to me enables one to live life with the perfect amount of abandon.

This entry is more for me than anyone else but I must say that I write it with a sense of gratitude and peace that I think I just might be on the right track. That sure makes me happy.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200906/happiness

Turkey! (and a ham)

It's been a while since I have written...please accept my most sincere apologies. The truth is that I have been so crazy busy that I really haven't had an ounce of time. Then again, when is there really a ton of time? I mean, I do remember a couple months back that there were breezes and free afternoons and plenty of tv getting watched. However, this last month of November has been action packed and my calendar indicates that December will be more of the same. December actually looks even more busy. There are a couple of art shows, a few performances for me and then my trip to the East Coast to hang with Tommy's fam for Christmas.

I'm so excited for it all. Every day just keeps getting better for me. There is plenty to do, lots of work coming my way creatively and so much love around me I wonder how the heck I got so lucky.

Tommy and I made a pact that he would come home with me to the bay for Thanksgiving if I was going to make the trek out his way for Christmas. Luckily, he had already met almost everyone in my family because of Jimmy's wedding (which I should probably devote an entire entry to as well) so there wasn't too many more intros to be made. My mom got him involved with the turkey cooking and I must say, no offense Mom, that I think this was our best turkey yet! We had all the classic items in addition to my grandma's homemade sushi and a fantastic potato salad from my Auntie Liz. I need to hit the gym, like hard folks. My size 6 pants still fit but as you can see in the photo, I've got some chubby cheeks to deal with. All good though, life is a series of ups and downs. I'm fat and happy, y'all.

The trip up north was a bit of a whirlwind but that's always kind of been my thang. We drove up on Wednesday afternoon---surprisingly little traffic and chilled that night at my mom's. The next day was Thanksgiving and that seemed to come and go quickly. We made a stop at a friends where we were forced to drink a bunch of tequila and then we headed up to the city on a last minute change of heart. The original plan didn't include SF until the next day but I'm really happy we went early. The city was cold but it was great hanging with Eran and finally feeling like I got some quality time in with him. On top of all that goodness, I finally got to introduce Eran and Tommy and to my delight, they hit it off smashingly.

We were up waaaaaaaaaaaay too late Thursday and Tommy and I crawled out of the house to search for some breakfast but ended up at a slightly strange bar. Eran met up with us shortly after and we got some El Salvadorian food. It was yum...After an incredible nap, we got gussied up and got to hang with the likes of Leigh Phillips, Kate Scott and some other cool peeps. Keeping up on our pace, we also checked out the SF branch of the Catalyst Art Collective. It was so much tinier than the one in LA and I kept trying to figure out who played what roles----who was the SF Misty? Must be that chick with the dread locks, or wait, was it the twenty other chicks with the dreadlocks? Everyone was nice and we enjoyed a cool performance by a guitarist who had his shit all hooked up to what looked like a million different processors. He was accompanied by a great dj and a gorgeous woman dancing behind him and some translucent fabric. After that jaunt, it was off to see Leigh's buddies play their electro project by the name of "Simian Mobile Disco". Everyone at the club was ecstatic to see them and the lights flashed and people screamed. We laughed and I danced on the balcony as we enjoyed the music.

Tommy and I were getting pretty sleepy by the end of the show so we headed back to Eran's. Him and his awesome friend, Maureen headed back shortly as well. We all chilled on Eran's super comfy bed and talked, watched the hilarious "kittens inspried by kittens" on youtube and eventually we all fell asleep in our respective quarters.

Saturday was time to head back to LA to see my visiting grandmother from Washington State. The trip took longer than expected but I was happy to let Tommy take a well deserved nap as I drove and listened to what Tommy so affectionately calls, "my girly music". I got to hear a bunch of wonderful and quirky singer songwriter stuff that was inspriational and peace invoking. I'm so used to being alone on those road trips with my big book of cd's and iPod but my toyota doesn't have either of those components so I haven't had a chance to indulge like that for a bit of time. It worked out great.

Grandma looked great and we visited for a bit with her and the rest of my so-cal fam before heading back to the Catalyst for some needed rest. Got to chat with Grandma again when I picked her up in the morning to head to LAX. Since I work for the department of airports, I have an LAX security badge which allows me to get all the way to the gate without a ticket. We were able to visit for a nice chunk of time which I really appreciated. We had our girl talk and caught up on the day-to-day before I sent her off with a hug and a kiss in her pink jump suit. I felt good about it on all fronts.

The weather was beautiful in signature LA style yesterday and a bunch of us rode bikes to see the new movie, "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" based on an old book. This was a childhood favorite of mine, written by Roald Dahl. Judy reccomended his autobiography called, Boy. It sounds wonderful and I guess I have a new item to add to my Christmas list. At this point though, I feel like I couldn't ask for anything more than all the wonderfulness that I have.

Life is good, love is sweeter every day and somehow (as December is about to make her entrance) the sun continues to shine upon me.

Got a lot to be Thankful for....

baby fever, zorra and quitters

So I am 32. Good thing too because I was mistakenly saying that was my age for about the last 6 months. Now at least I am no longer a bold-faced liar who truly believed what she was saying....It's interesting though, and maybe just in my head but the baby fever was hitting me on all these levels both conscious and subconscious. It became a big joke at work as Richard decided to try and start a rumor that I was "with child". I just went with it, what do I care really? It was a great tool of manipulation---even though it was a known joke. But seriously, preceding a sentence with "the baby wants...." while gently rubbing my lower belly was extremely persuasive. I could get used to this I thought for a split second in my mind....And then Tommy and I were dog sitting our favorite furry friend, Ms. Zorra for a few days. It was great to have all the extra affection and someone to dote on but just like those "egg"spiraments in Home Economics, the attention and responsibility hit me when her normal dog sitter got back into town and was ready to take her. At first, I felt so sad to see her go and then I was flooded with the concept of a returning sense of freedom. There would no longer be any living thing that I was responsible for making "poo". I gotta admit it was a good feeling...So for the time being, that baby fever that was coursing through my veins against my will has been momentarily tamed. Even though I imagine the experience of child rearing to be an incredible one, I could also see being a heavily involved Aunt or something and still being happy. The upright bass player in the big band has been married 35 years as of this week and when I asked her what the secret was she responded with,
"we never had kids". Interesting. I know not everyone feels that way and at different times in her life I wonder if she felt differently but I think that I could perhaps go that route. Only time will tell I guess.

So regarding the cleanse, I copped out at the end of day 1. I was grouchy and hungry and totally anti-social which really wasn't where I felt I needed to go. So I quit and I honestly feel like that was the right decision for me at the time. I have been watching what I eat and trying to get more exercise and I already feel much better. Amazingly enough, I really feel like things were stirred up because the next day I had all the detox signs and my digestive system has been working much more efficiently. I have two performances coming up along with the wedding in November so I do need to be disciplined. It feels good to be taking better care of myself.

Guess that is all for now.

day 1

Okay, well the cleanse is under way.

I know that day one is tough and I do feel hungry and a bit a grouchy. No detox symptoms yet but I'd guess those will show up more tomorrow and the next day.

The Salt Water Flush was pretty brutal this morning. Not so much getting it down, that was easier than I had expected but it took about three hours before it left my system. I am going to try and use a bit more salt tomorrow to see if that helps.

The plan for the rest of the day is to go rent a bunch of movies. There are a few things in the theater I want to see but I want to just be at home in my pj's. I went to Michaels yesterday and bought some stuff to make myself a new scarf and also a bird feeder to stain when Tommy gets back. The scarf is going quick so if I have any yarn left, I was thinking I could use the same stuff to make one for Emily.

Anyway, I am trying to drink more lemonade this time around so that I feel better. Last time I drank so little. In all honesty though, I am definitely doing this with a weight loss motivation in mind so as I get through these first hard days, I am sure I will cut back a bit. Maybe also do some long walks this time too. Sauna at the gym. My system has got to be more toxic than it was last time so we'll see what happens.

Will keep you posted!

love this dress!

I'm such a sucker for polka dots and bows....

Just dropped off Tommy at the airport. He's on his way to the east coast for some family and friend time. Miss his cute mug already....

So, my birthday has come and gone and it was nice. Got the best gift ever from my man with help from Anne. Now I am equipped with a killer microphone. I am legit peeps!

Now, it's back to the grind as I gear up to start another bout of the master cleanse. This time around I am going to shoot for somewhere between 14 and 20 days. It is going to be a feat but I know that I can do it.

I shall report more later on this new journey!

Options

So my birthday is coming up. 32 years on this earth. Not totally sure what I want to do but as I go back and forth, I figure I am due a bit of indulgence in birthday celebrations. I honestly can't remember the last time that I really tried to celebrate my birthday in a real way. It's usually a quiet time for me as September is inevitably a busy time for all. Funds never seem plentiful either but this year I'm just going to have a full weekend of "living" and see who wants to come along. Maybe dancing in a big club, maybe a pretty hike somewhere. We'll just have to see, won't we?

I just want options people, is that too much to ask? Don't answer, cuz I'm just saying YES.

Other than that, my brother's wedding is moving into high gear as November approaches swiftly. This weekend was the bridal shower for Jessica and Tommy Ryan provided yummy delights through his personal chef services. Thank you Quality Thyme for helping with our quality time.

I hit my head at work doing something stupid and wasn't in top form this weekend but I feel much better now. Head injuries are no joke, yo! It's just nice to feel like myself again and rest up for what is sure to be a weekend of fun.

The weather is starting to cool down and I find myself looking forward to fall leaves and sweaters. The garden is going well for the most part and I'm trying to get back into my exercise routine as I gear up for another go round with the Master Cleanse. This time I am going to shoot for 17 days. Should be a challenge but I could use a physical challenge right now. It's interesting to think that this blog started just about a year ago while doing my first Master Cleanse. I predict this time to go more smoothly and try to remain open to whatever lessons I may learn.

Wildin' out

A picture my co-worker took from an airplane of the wildfires going on right now. Dizam!

You keep me young

Damn, LA can really manifest itself in you sometimes, no? As we drove out of this city of angels and into the rocky mountainsides of Lake Isabella and Kernville, I literally felt the stress and tension melting out of my body. There were about 15 of us I think that slept in tents or bunk beds and were greeted by the blazing sun each morning in lieu of a wake-up call. We swam, we hiked, we put oatmeal on our faces and we laughed, and we ate and ate and ate. It was great! And all in honor of Tommy's birthday. :)

I had such a great time with great friends and my fantastic man. I sure did need that!

Acceptance

This quote hangs in my cubicle:
"Acceptance does not necessarily mean 'liking', 'enjoying' or 'condoning'. I can accept what is-and be determined to evolve from there. It's not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck." Nathaniel Branden

I have had a long standing love affair with the concept of acceptance for a while now. Acceptance of all situations whether challenging or joyful allows me to be grateful for the lessons the universe has to teach me. It keeps me out of self-pity and frees me to move forward.

Recently, I had a strong feeling come over me about my financial world or lack thereof. Basically, something inside of me told me that due to my creative interests and other commitments, I will likely be poor forever so I just find my peace with it. For whatever reason, this kind of sent me into a panic or some sort of spiritual temper tantrum. I had my little freakout and wondered what the heck I am doing wrong or why the universe does not trust me with extra money. After talking at length about this with my father I did find some peace with it. The fact of the matter is that I like my life the way it is. I feel that I live it fully and do not wish to give up the amount of energy that I devote to music, other creative projects and whatever kind of volunteer work that I may get involved in. There is no way that I believe I would be happier if I dropped it all, went back to school and scrounged my way to the top on some more lucrative pathway. Actually, I find that I am somewhat uncomfortable with the very wealthy anyway. That may be a bit of an interesting tidbit to examine but I don't feel like looking into it now. So I accepted my meager means and tried to find peace with a simple life. The only concern that really came into play is the idea of having a family or one day being able to own a home. There has always been something in the back of my mind that figured those types of situations would work themselves out but as I get older, I feel that I need to plan a bit better.
A beautiful aspect of all this thinking perhaps finds it origin in the current happiness I have in my relationship. Being so happy with someone I love has inspired me to look to the future a bit. Mostly because I want to pave the way for more beauty to come of what I have found. The mere fact that someone has caused me to want to look ahead is pretty cool in itself. Tommy echoed my sentiment and mentioned our relationship has done the same thing in his mind. That was nice to hear.

So anyway, I worked on my acceptance and I calmed down and all that junk. Ironically, and boy do I love it when the universe does this, so much extra work has fallen in my lap since then it is quite incredible. I've book three VO jobs this month and have been helping Tommy on the weekend doing chef gigs and what not. I was getting a little exhausted but it sure is nice to have some wiggle room financially. I'm determined not to go overboard with my spending so that I can stay a little ahead here. As much as I hate to admit it though, having some extra money sure does relieve stress and opens up so much opportunity to do the things I enjoy doing.

Economists are saying that there are indications that the recession is ending and although I know that that won't necessarily make it's mark on folks like me for some time, it is nice to know that things are looking up.

In other news, I've had a lot of fun learning about interesting folks in the world like Julia Childs or following Obama's health care reform plans. It kind of blows my mind that his approval rating is at an all time low. Personally, I am so happy with his time so far and have found myself more patriotic than ever knowing he is leading and representing us. What a tough job he has. So much better him than me!

It's slow today at work and I have to get over to Van Nuys as soon as I am cut loose to do some VO for the Dr. Tran guys. Should be fun as usual. Then tomorrow there are plans for a bike ride and maybe some swimming---my new infatuation.

The sun is shining inside and out. :)

sefeeya

it's a slow day at work and I find myself running the gamut of emotions for no particular reason. Had a long talk with my dad last night on Skype about this and that-it was an honest talk and it was meaningful and equally supportive. I then sat in front of the little garden that T and I planted this weekend and talked a bit with him on the phone before putting myself to bed. I was awoken by a loud siren, the police were on their way somewhere and in a mighty hurry. When I glanced at the clock, I was happy that it was only a bit past 2am. Then, a few hours later I got a text from my boss that I didn't have to go pick him up at the airport. More relief.

I got to work this morning and felt unusually pleasant and chatty. High point number 1. Then I went back and forth with the usual suspects in an email thread about making a made-for-tv movie about a situation in Brittain where a philandering man had his penis super glued to his belly by a scorned wife, two lovers and one of the women's sisters. Somehow I managed to reach Low Point number 1 when I felt offended by something someone said in the emails. I guess I realized at that point that today was going to be a weird day.

Went on a work errand and enjoyed the cool of the car A/C and felt quiet. Then I got really weepy, but like lovestruck weepy. I had to choke back tears all through my lunch break while reading an article in some women's magazine. I'm a weirdo. And now I am sleepy.

Another great weekend

It was a good weekend. A full weekend. I went to Comic-Con again for the third year in a row. An unfortunate lack of communication threw a bit of a snafu into the signing I was supposed to do but it all actually ended up working out for the best. I lagged a bit in the morning after taking in the sun of Redondo and a delicious wild mushroom omelet that Tommy made. It was hard to leave but I finally got on the road and made it to San Diego by 2:30ish. I got to check out the scene for a bit and boy was it a scene. I wish I could upload some of the photos I took with my phone (regular camera is broken). There were some great costumes this year and I screamed internally like a little girl when I walked past the entire cast of "True Blood".

I got to see an old friend and meet up with a few others who were also there. Then we did our signing from 5-7 and it was wonderful. It amazes me how many people out there get the dark and random humor that is "Dr. Tran". I did my first interview for a podcast and that was fun. I felt comfortable and (dare I say) witty. After the signing, I booked it back to get ready for Jesse's big birthday bash. It proved to be what we figured it would, one helluva good time. Ironically or not, I learned some good lessons and riffed with my boo for a long time about just how sweet it is to love one another. I'm believing in love in a totally different way and man oh man, it's just great.

Got a bit of a case of the "Mondays" as I desperately wish I was with Tommy in the waves NOW instead of after I get off work. The ocean water has been a delicious 70 degrees and we are trying to take full advantage of the opportunities to sun and move our bodies. I'm trying to get back into my exercise groove and it feels good.

I also did another VO job on Friday so that will be great help in making August a comfortable month financially. It amazes me how things work themselves out if you are patient. Regardless, I feel rich every day when I think of the happiness that is my life. It's nice when you can stop for a moment, think of all that you are blessed with and smile while no one is watching.

ch-ch-ch-changes

It was a fantastic fourth of July. I spent it with friends and loved ones on the Catalyst rooftop overlooking a handful of fireworks displays as music bumped from the B-52's that Tommy had installed under his handmade neon-green canopy. It is hard to remember when I have smiled continuously for such a long period of time. We started the music around 1:30 in the afternoon and it continued well past 3am. When have I danced so much? I don't know.

And the fun continues as friends filter into town and summer is in full bloom.

The weather has been mild. The love has been strong and the laughter plentiful. I continue to be impressed by the man in my life who never strays from his steadfast supply of sillyness, kindness and an uncanny ability to be clever. Where this goes, who knows but I sure am lucky to feel it.

I installed SKYPE on my computer at home and can now talk on a regular basis with my dad. To hear his voice coming through my laptop is at times surreal but I am ever so grateful to the technological advances that allow this reunion of familiarity.

Work is fine. Nothing to complain about really. The coffee stays strong and I am surprisingly focused as of late.

I continue to walk through a personal transition that I guess I am not yet ready to start blogging about. At this point, I'll just say that I am happy with my decision and aim to continue learning who I am and what is best for me.

Gratitude comes in all forms and from many places.

It's official

I am in love. :)

iPhones, matches and tv

these are the things that fill my head in the second that just...........past.

Life is life. Up, down, spinning all around. Asking me questions. Building upon answers already determined only to find that they must be renewed. I heart my boyfriend. He is good and sweet and all things candy. My job kinda blows but it pays the bills and provides me with health insurance and gets me by without sucking my brain at the root. I could exercise more. I could eat better. I could smoke less. But right now is about now. And although I hold steady in the footing of "one in front of the other", I do not see too far into the horizon. And know that is all that I need to know.

unchained -johnny cash

I have been ungrateful, I've been unwise.
Restless from the cradle, now I realize.
It's so hard to see the rainbow through glasses dark as these. Maybe I'll be able from now on, on my knees.

[chorus]
Oh I am weak. Oh I know I am vain.
Take this weight from me, Let my spirit be unchained.

Old man swearin' at the sidewalk, I'm overcome.
Seems that we've both forgotten, forgotten to go home.
Oh have I seen an angel, or have I seen a ghost? Where's that Rock of Ages when I need it most?

[repeat chorus]

checking in

it's actually really hard to not spend money frivolously, did you know that?
Well for me it is.

I did a bit of a financial overview of my expenses and revealed that which I have known for a while. I spend way too much money on shit that I shouldn't and frankly don't need to. But I get something out of it. Maybe the mere transaction of trading paper and metal for a good or service just gets my goat. It's mysterious but I can't seem to shake it. I packed a bunch of lunches for myself but since I don't have a stovetop or oven, most of the food I am bringing is raw. This is fine and probably beneficial but it has a shorter shelf life. It makes me wonder how much I actually save. I know it is significant though. I can spend like the best of them.

Wonder how I would spend if I had all the money to do whatever I wanted? Well, I would love to have a personal trainer/chef or use one of those super expensive food delivery services that customized an ideal nutritional plan for me. I also would immediately buy a really f'ing good camera and just start taking pictures constantly. Traveling, that would certainly happen in the very near future. Would want to go somewhere tropical for a while, just to get things in order. Then I think I'd hit up Europe for a while and eventually hit Japan. Maybe I need to invent something that will blow up and I can take a year or two off.

As for today, I am at work. Drinking the free coffee.

Sing

There are some cool opportunities on the horizon that I am really excited about musically. I performed this weekend at our monthly big band gig and Tommy took pictures of the show. He wasn't happy with most of them but I think this is one of the first I've seen of me singing that I didn't totally cringe at. I also got to shoot his dj gig on Friday and got some shots I really like. Want to really explore this photography thing more. When I get the money, I think my next big investment will likely be a good camera. It's just such a cool and instantly gratifying experience. We're gonna try and do a cool music photo shoot soon for a website I'd like to make. Should be fun, I've got some ideas and I'm excited to use good lighting and props n'stuff.

We'll see how all these things go. There may be a chance I can start singing with a well respected drummer who has a lot of talent arranging music as well. Yes!

In other news, I think I have finally passed through this recent battle with my mind. There was a lot of anxiety coursing through me lately and I am so grateful to feel a sense of calm again.

Going to go watch Jeff run in the LA marathon on Monday which should be awesome. The plan is to sleep at Tommy's the night before to skip the traffic and then ride my bike to the starting line. I think it will be a really fun day.

Stories

I joined a writing group recently. An addition to the Thursday lunch meeting I have every week to work on budding screenplays and variety shows and whatevery other silliness is tickling our fancy. This new writing group is more about life experiences and specifically experiences within recovery. Should be an interesting adventure. Been writing snippets of songs lately too. Guess there is a lot banging around this little brain.

Although most things I am working on are non-fictional, I feel a pang to have more stories in my life. Take this blog for instance, I want to get back to writing about actions and adventures as opposed to thoughts and feelings. With a bank account such as mine, I do find that I am often too lazy to get creative and do things that don't cost money. This weekend should be good though. Tommy is dj'ing an event on Friday, I will be doing a tableread on Saturday and then Sunday is the Big Band Gig. I'm excited because my brother and Jessica will be there along with Tommy and some other friends. I'd like to plan out some hiking and other outdoor activities. If I had all the money in the world at my disposal, I'd really love to go somewhere. Somewhere far, far away.

never ending

is the ability to find more expansive ways of perceiving the world, my "problems", life in general. As a human being, I feel it is so hard to get out of the perspective that we have grown too cozy in. It is impossible, I am sure, to ever be fully objective. However, I am practicing different ways of seeing things. Letting loose a need to control without becoming some kind of doormat.

As we interact, sometimes it is inevitable that we will hurt another but deep down I do still believe that we are all acting on our best intentions. Sometimes our strength is not quite as strong as our selfishness and that is all a part of being human beings. Imperfect, fallible human beings.

And my life becomes infinitely more simple when I walk along knowing that the universe will provide all that I need, good and bad. I need not worry, plan too rigidly or fear that I will be steered in the wrong direction. Sometimes the wrong direction is exactly where I need to go.

I am a sensitive, intensely feeling woman walking this world and trying, damnit. I am working hard to accept and disarm my faults and love those around me without conditions. Freaking pray for my ass.....;)

Some days....

you just need to see a cute puppy doing something a little weird.

attempt

If you want to love me, there's a few things you should know,
I may project an image that isn't always so

You may see a woman grounded, sensual and full of song
but to think that I am only that will drive your journey wrong.

So in this poem, I will undress and show you what's below
I'm learning how to face myself so f it, here we go:

I like to get my sleep and put lotions on my skin.
I do believe there is a god but sometimes act in sin.
I'm picky about the food I eat and occasionally think I'm fat,
but know deep down I'm pretty fly despite what LA says I lack.

I'm loyal to a fault and will sometimes need too much.
I like kisses on my bum and a pretty dick to suck.

Sometimes I'll cry when father's leave on movie screens above me
cuz despite all that I have learned, my heart still questions why he left if he really loved me.
I will over-intellectualize and mine your heart for gold.
I have been known to hang on too long to something that's grown cold.

I watch trashy shit on tv cuz I think it clears my mind, and fight the urge to make you into a man I can define.

But if you're looking for a human with a tender heart to touch,
I'm willing to work hard without giving you Too Much.
I'll fight the good fight side by side and kiss you when you're down and appreciate if you laugh at my jokes when I'm acting quite the clown.
Cuz when I'm not thinking oh-so-much I see the lighter side and maybe bring perspective to the darkness where you hide.

I'll try to hear you when you speak to that which your heart needs,
and find the strength to walk away when
Alone
you want to bleed

I am looking for a love that our society's forgotten.
I'm done with satin fantasies, this grown-up girl wants cotton!
So we can breathe the lifeblood air that makes our world alive and want not need a partnership that looks me in the eye.

Enhance me,
don't Entrance me
and I'll do the same for you
so we can find our Oneness
without ceasing to be Two.

adjustments and not knowing

There are times I think I know myself well. There are people in my life who have told me that I do. And for the most part, I think I handle this maze called life fairly consciously. However, in the last day or so I have been able to go deeper and see certain things that I was not fully aware of. An arrogance, a selfishness and catastrophic "doomsday" mentality that has not served me well...

As if you couldn't tell, it's been somewhat of an uncomfortable time lately. There have been adjustments that I have made that weren't of my choosing and certain decisions I've made that were in the wrong. I'm not used to having to admit I am wrong. To face my imperfections. Yet recent times have shown me that the universe thought it was time to re-teach me the value of humility. Ouchiepoo. But it's good, it's right and I am going to grow in the moments I stop fighting certain not-so-cute truths about myself.

So my plan is this: get quiet, listen to the wisdom of others, know I know so little and stand behind my promises. This life is truly a gift. Although I much prefer the ups, I can find nourishment in this current down. Reconnect with my dreams, face my demons and just continue this growing up process. I trust in the way of the world and know that perfection lies in every moment. Discomfort is okay. And for the love of God, I have a whole heckofalot to learn.

to minimize the noise

this last year has taught me a lot about self-care, nourishment of the heart/soul and finding my hunger. fortunately for me, I believe that the clarity I have from my sobriety has enabled me to be in touch with myself enough to know better than ever when I am "off". The key is to listen to that instinctual voice. In the last few weeks there have been loved ones in need and I have done my best to answer the call. This has, however, caused me to spend a lot of time away from home. I wouldn't change a thing about how I have spent my time but I will admit that I got a bit weary. Driving and sleeping in a foreign bed for nights on end seep a certain energy. Anyway, this week has been more about spending quiet time at home and re-connecting with the fellowship. That was what my gut told me I needed to do and amazingly enough, it has helped restore some energy and peace to my soul. Whodathunk that my gut could know what is best for me? It is a simple epiphany to realize that in all of our relationships we generally just want each other to be happy and we accept and welcome the personal time that we need to make that happen.

I'm not sure what my plans are this weekend but I figure on being pretty mellow and focusing on getting back into my exercise routine and meetings. There is a calm about me that I have missed for a while so I am just trying to be a bit quiet. Driving without the radio on has been an interesting experiment as I find that I don't seem to do much that doesn't add to the noise already present in my head. Trying to minimize the noise.

As a purely indulgent act, I am compiling a list of things I would like to leave as options for this weekend:
start a new painting
bikram yoga class
write a new song, a whole one
peruse craigslist for art/music posts

I'm going to a spoken word show Sunday night with Tommy and some friends so that will be interesting. Other than that, I've got a dentist appt. and a date with the dogs. Should be sweet.

the wackness

sometimes movies come along that just fit into your life, your heart, your mind at the right time. Cinematic Kismet. I watched a movie last night that did just that. I laughed out loud, cried a little and felt it in my gut. It was real. Superbly acted, impeccably written and for lack of a less cheesy description, just downright heartwarming.

"What movie? WHAT MOVIE?!" you ask.

THE WACKNESS, baby. The freaking WACKNESS. Loved it.

Although the central character is a drug dealer, Luke Shapiro has got to be one of the most likeable characters I've seen in a long time. He's street smart and cool despite his lack of popularity and yet retains this purity and innocence that hopefully we all remember having.

But enough about that....Here is a snippet of an IM conversation that most definitely did NOT happen at work today. I cut out all the cheesy sweet stuff I said about Tommy in the beginning cuz I think we all know I like him....

*some names have been changed to protect the innocent*

BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
i reallllly reallly think you should try to seduce ****
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
I am apathetic to it.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
mostly cuz that's my thing. apathy
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
sorry, I am obnoxious today. And I havent' even had coffee yet
BIGMAC [9:34 AM]:
Jesus, I have no interest in seducing ****. The only reason i find her even remotely attractive sometimes is because there are whole workdays where she is the hottest lady i see. But it is between her and ****** and *******
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
well, until now. ZOOOOOWZA
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
she is definitely the hottest
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
I just think it would create a better work environment for you
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
and I bet she would realllllllllly enjoy it
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
And I saw pictures yesterday of her recent vacation and ... wow, you are something.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
I imagine you'd be a very giving lover to her
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
LLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
LMAO
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
oh jesus
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
and she has been waiting for a giving lover
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
she even wrote a folk song about it about two years ago
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
WTF?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
but nobody has ever heard it
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
well except her friend, Cheryl
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
but NOBODY ELSE!
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Do not have coffee today, Juni.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
toolate
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
sorry dude, I really am
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Yes, you really are.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
I think I am going to leave work and drive to mexico
BIGMAC [9:37 AM]:
Leave the driving to me.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
sweet! Did your "food poisoning" come back?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
can you make it come back?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
will it back!
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Maybe if I puke right in the lobby here.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:38 AM]:
YES. omg, make sure you call me before so I can be there
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Otherwise, it might not be believable
BUCHER, JUNI [9:38 AM]:
right, so smart
BIGMAC[9:38 AM]:
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
That really doesn't much look like vomit.
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
OK, well I'd better go for real. I'll talk to you soon.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:39 AM]:
okay....have a good one. Let me know how lunch goes you dirty dog!!!!!!!

belief, babies and traffic violations

I'm sleepy today as I was up until 2:30am talking about violence, art and believing in someone

with T-Diggie. It started off as a daily recap of events but then turned into a really deep two hour convo that really touched me. Turns out this boy really believes in me as an artist. When I consistently doubt myself, it's certainly mind-blowing to feel that someone else really thinks you have talent. And isn't afraid to tell everyone. Turns out he has been playing my music for anyone and everyone. And although I know that I can sing a little, it meant so much to me that he is so proud and seems to genuinely like my stuff. I'm feeling quite inspired to write more and continue to find the most authentic pathway to my true voice and sound. My goal is to set aside some time each day to write lyrics/melodies or whatever. I just have to learn how to flex that muscle. Songwriting takes practice and although what I've written that I am most proud of usually comes in a fervor, an almost channeling experience, I know that I have to create a lot of crap in order to mine a few diamonds. But it made me dream again. And that is a beautiful feeling.

Other highlights of yesterday were being on the receiving end of a great beeming love light from little Emily when I brought up her favorite blankie as Jen and I put her sweetness to bed for the night. Although I am quite clear I am not ready to be having children, I have been feeling that maternal instinct more than usual. That split second moment with Emily nourished me on deeper levels than she will ever know. And although I do not know what the future holds, I do believe in my heart that I will be a good mother. Life is such an adventure....

Then, on the way home from Jen's, I made a few incredibly stupid moves on the highway and got pulled over by Cali's finest. Oddly enough, the cop didn't even ask for my lisence and registration and basically just asked me what the hell I was thinking. I was in absolute shock as he guided me back onto the freeway and let me leave without even a small ticket. Sometimes I guess it does pay to be a woman. But I do owe the highway patrol a huge karmic thank you.

It is Easter weekend and I think I will be going with Tommy to our friend Matt's family home to celebrate. I feel warm and happy knowing that my family and heart are continuing to grow.

I'm feeling muuuuuch better now

My baby's back!
It should be illegal to miss someone that much.

tick tick tick

Today is moving so slowly because I am anticipating Tommy's return from Baltimore. This last week has been interesting inside of my brain. Knowing I'd have time to think has been good and let's just say I did more than my fair share of it. Guess there was a lot of stuff I had to work over and I feel pretty good.

Spring is in full swing and I am digging on this gorgeous weather. Ready to be outside a lot and tan my winter pale. Looking forward to a spring/summer of lots of outdoor activity. Now that I am exercising on a regular basis, I feel prepared and hungry for the outdoor sports that enable themselves come the sunshine.

Work is torture as I continue to put off a few projects that I have been dreading. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet though. Last week was cool in that I only worked three days at the office and got to do a VO at Sony Pictures. I ended up not doing the voice they originally wanted me for but four others that I felt were better suited for me anyway. We'll see what Disney thinks of the project. Not getting my hopes up but considering the plethora of smaller parts I did, I think I might have a better chance at keeping something in the final version. I have so much fun doing this stuff, and occasionally I think I am quite good at it. Got a big band performance coming up on the 19th so hope all goes well with that. I am debuting some new material, which I am a little nervous about but we worked out a version of "my funny valentine" that I think is going to kill.

So life is busy but I anticipate this week to mainly consist of soaking up all the lovin' that I missed. Yum yum yum.

riding a wave of unending happiness

driving in the dark of a pending morning, I felt quiet today. And I settled into myself and thought, "you know, everything is great". It's always interesting when you stop yourself enough to really figure out how you are doing. And it's always so nice when you realize you are doing pretty darn good. When you realize you feel deeply contented.

It's been a whirlwind of a month. I've been sticking to my exercise commitments and that has been a lot of fun for me. There have also been a gazillion events at the catalyst which I always seem to tag along for. I keep teasing Tommy that my exercising is really my extreme physical training regiment to survive being his girlfriend. I'm kidding but I am not....I've burned some serious sober midnight oil with that guy and for whatever reason, I seem to have more energy than I know what to do with. But again, I had a quiet moment this morning that I welcomed and slept so deeply last night wrapped up in his arms that I almost didn't know where the hell I was when I woke up. I probably could have used 3 more good hours of that but duty calls.

Tonight is my friend Matt's sculpture show at the Catalyst and then my party run will slow down a bit. They've got something going on tomorrow that I am going to skip and then Tommy will be in Baltimore for some days. I might do a cleanse, not quite sure yet. Gotta say I am pretty excited about things calming down for the next month. But as for now, I'm just riding the wave Baby!

The importance of Importance

I was reading my friend Justin's blog and he was talking about what we regard as important. Making sure to make the distinction between what we REALLY think is important as opposed to the things we feel we "should". His response was "the road less travelled". When I thought about it, the first thing that came to mind clearly was "being a participant in my life". If I am not being actively creative or feeling passion towards something, I feel dead. Taking responsibility for my own growth is super important too.

The picture here is of the piece that Mr. S and I worked on this past weekend. It stands tall at about 5x4 ft and resides above the dj booth in his room. I love it. And I love that we did it together. About 6 hours of little talking, lots of music and comedy on the stereo. And damnit if taking something to completion doesn't feel good!

Justin's post also inspired me to write out a list here of the things I would like to be accomplishing. Some of them are more lofty than others but I think putting paper to pen somehow empowers the intention. So here goes:

Sing more live shows outside of Big Band gigs
stand up at least once on a surf board
be in good shape by summer
cut out refined sugar from my diet
create a high end macrobiotic dinner party menu
re-do the art on my walls with photography or new paintings
get over my fear of dancing
at least one more animated VO gig
go on vacation somewhere

I will do these things before the end of summer. Yep!

daylight savings

This last weekend we lost an hour of time but gained an hour of daylight. Totally cut off from the news of the world, I was holed up in a lovewarehouse painting and cooking and loving my honey up. It wasn't until Sunday afternoon that I realized that this change had occurred. Think I've made it through the lost hour of sleep and can now be grateful that it is still sunny at 6pm.

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Rocky at times inside of my head. There were some weird stresses and I finally broke down and had a few good little cries. But I guess I forgot that life is a bit of a roller coaster from time to time. There has been a lot going on. Adjustments, people dealing with health issues, painful dealings with HMO providers, surprising tax debt and work drama. Thankfully, I have found solace in exercise and it has been a great help to my sometimes prone to worry mind. Yesterday, was probably the peak of my feelings of stress and I sweat it all out and remembered that there is no point in trying to control that which I have no control over.

When I really take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things, I know I have it good. There are wonderful friends in my life as well as a kick-ass dude by my side. I'm proud to say that I feel I am in the healthiest, most balanced relationship that I've had to date. It's an odd adjustment to not feel that I have lost my life to someone else. There is still plenty of time to do my own things and when we are togetherthere is an awesome fusion of creativity and chemistry. My honey is yummy.

So thank f'ing goodness I feel like a sane person again. Really thought I was losing it for a second there. Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful qualities of life, the downs existing to illuminate the ups.

a little blue

life has ups and downs. I get so used to the up and up sometimes that the downs catch me off guard. Don't know why, but I'm feeling a little blue today. Don't know what I need to take it away. Perhaps a walk to the beach. I haven't done that in a while.

outside/inside

I made a choice about 18 months ago to completely give up all mind altering substances. It was a relatively easy choice in the light of desperation. A neccesary choice, but a bold choice and a choice that I have to continue to make time and time again. It is something that often sets me apart from the festivities at hand and although I may not lack for laughter and silliness, there is a perception of reality that doesn't shift with the ingestion of this or that. Funny to say that sometimes this makes me the odd man out. At 31 years old, most of my peers are still partying it up. Still spend the majority of their social time in bars and still lack the type of responsibility in life that would stand in the way of some good, wild fun. Ironically, in sobriety I feel I have found myself in a way that I never could while intoxicated. Drinking or using was my way to feel some sense of freedom or abandon. Freedom from feeling, from insecurity, from my talking head trying to bring me down. But that was a false confidence and for whatever reason made it even harder to find it while sober. Knowing I had to rely on something else to uncage my heart was a huge blow to my ego. Trying to find something else as delicious as drinking a bottle or two of champagne at 10am in the morning and passing out at 1:30p on a lazy Sunday afternoon was hardly something I thought I could top. Taking it all away was like ripping a blanket off the bed on a winter's morning, putting a blindfold on my newly conscious self and spinning me around then kicking me swiftly in the butt down a path I didn't understand. But I did, and I have survived thus far and I have found things within myself and around myself and above myself that blow my mind more than any mushroom or powder or tiny stack of pills could ever do. There is a self-awareness I feel now that brings a greater sense of confidence than the one that would come after four tanqueray and tonics or that first gram of silken candy flower. I still struggle with feelings, what they are and how I am supposed to deal with them but I can at least acknowledge they are there and sit with them quietly until I can decipher the message they are giving me about my fears or joys.

But do not get me wrong:
As much as I love this life I live now and attribute everything positive in my world to the tools I have learned in sobriety, it does get hard sometimes. The greatest obsession of any alcoholic or addict is that they will one day be able to drink or use like a normal person. The concept of the "normie" doesn't compute in my head. Whether you like it or not, if I am using I will almost ALWAYS choose it over you. Do not flatter yourself, you cannot save an addict. We don't stop being addicts either. We will just (hopefully) continue to find the strength to make the healthy choice for ourselves over and over. A big fan of extremes, I have to make this a black and white issue for myself. I do not ingest mind altering substances NO MATTER WHAT. But does my mind fancy a glass of wine at a beautiful meal or a fat rail along a coffee table at a party while loud music bumps the speakers into oblivion? HELL F'ing YES. But when I think these fantasies through I realize that while there may be a solid 20 minutes of raging joy, I will inevitably take it to the place that brought me where I am today. That place is a place where I cannot feel the sensation of my heart except for the fear that it may burst out of my chest. I cannot feel my soul within me, except for a blank stare on the face of my evaporating god. All I feel is that I have an itch inside my brain that says, "more more more more".

Sometimes I want to say, "yep, it sucks. I can't do what you do" stick out my lip and sit with my arms crossed in the corner but that isn't seeing the whole picture. Truly, I am blessed with the answer to a relatively simple equation. As an addict/alcoholic, if I take that first drink, line, pill, toke, the rest will take me. So I don't. Through CAnon, I have answers to the lies my head tells me and people who understand where I come from and the shame I experienced by falling on my ass. However, together we also revel in the glory of finding ourselves back on our feet again and knowing the meaning of what it is to thrive as individuals truly present in this beautiful world. And that, well that just plain gets me high.

this type love

I believe that it is the most simple of gestures that reach my most romantic of emotions. Fresh cut fruit in the morning next to a cup of tea from my honey will always tickle my fancy more than a diamond.

Friday was a busy day for both me and my valentine. Mr. S had a dinner party and I had band practice. I recruited the team to help accompany my silly song of new love. By the time I reached the home of Mr. S, it was already past midnight. Valentine's day had begun. His cooking had gone off without a hitch and he was so happy that I was finally there. Awkwardly, I told him that I had written him a song for this special day and that I was getting more and more nervous about playing it for him. It was undoubtedly me, quirky and cheesy. If he didn't vibe with it, this whole endeavor may be headed for doom. But after many giggles, and all my weird delays, we ran into the cold to fetch the cd from my car. I played it and he laughed and told me he fucking loved it, that I am amazing and that it was by all means the best gift ever. Just the response I was looking for. ;)

Even though I was incredibly tired when I arrived, the energy of our connection kept us up for hours. We talked, shared laughter and poetry and dove deeper into whatever this is that we are feeling. Giggles were plentiful and there are likely more lines on both of our faces from the perma-grins we've been sporting.

The rest of the weekend was beautiful as well. We did a couple's yoga workshop and ate some great food. Plenty of incredible sleep too.

Then yesterday I had the honor of giving my sister, Wendy a cake. There was a room full of strong and amazing women to tell this lovely being how proud we all are of her faith, hope and courage.

Such a lucky lady I am!


lyrics-this type love-shihan

I want a love likeMe thinking of youThinking of me thinking of you type loveOr me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself About how I feel about you type loveOr hating how jealous you areBut loving how much you want me all to yourself type loveOr see how your first name just sound so good next to my last nameAnd shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling youAnd I barely made it out of my garageSee, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleepAnd wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type loveOr who loves the other moreOr what she’s doing this exact momentOr slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our heartsClosing my eyes and imagining how a love so goodCould hurt so much when she’s not there And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type loveAnd check this, I want to place those little post-it notesAll around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type loveAnd not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type loveAnd hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feelAnd I want to deal with my friends making fun of meThe way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type loveOnly difference is, this is one of those real love type lovesAnd just like in high schoolI want to spend hours on the phone not saying shitAnd then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to meAnd smell her all up in my covers type loveI want to try counting the ways I love herAnd lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over againAnd I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries Even though they ain’t really anniversariesBut doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type loveAnd, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone playsWhen none of us dialed into it type loveAnd talk to you until I lose my breatheShe leaves me breathless But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into meI want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling planTo something allows me to talk to her longer‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type lovesAnd I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands areI mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough timeTo love you as long as I’d like to type loveAnd I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter Just thinking about how strong this love is type loveAnd I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hairWell, maybe not all of the hairMaybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustacheBut it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for herAnd check this, I kind of feel comfortable nowSo I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green lightJust dying to get hit by a carJust so I could lose my memoryGet transported to some third world country just to get treatedThen somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with youIn a different language and see if it still feels the same type loveI want a love that’s as unexplainable as she isBut I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

and the laughing goes on and on

So it was a great weekend...Again.

The time with my dad was quite incredible actually. I don't know that I have seen him so expressive and affectionate since I was a kid. We talked about many things and I was happy to report that I cannot remember being so happy with my life. Sure, I am still dirt poor but I have the things I need. I do not go without. And everyone laughed and ate and drank and talked. All the "significant others" were there too and we are truly a family. I brought Mr. S as I mentioned in the last post and everyone loved him. The girls giggled at his cuteness and the men seemed to respect and approve. In my dad's state of hammeredness he did at one point offer to take Mr. S outside to beat the shit out of him but this was after he also offerred to break my nose. Then there was the moment where Mr. S and I both thought that my father was surely going to pass out and crush someone while in a particularly in-depth conversation about cooking. Overall, I think that everyone should get through this with plenty of therapy....

Sunday was filled with more family from the other side. We went to Anne's house and had a splendid meal and great conversation with Deb and Ron. Laughter was abundant yet again and I stuffed myself to the gils. I enjoyed the dynamic and looked across the table at Mr. S with admiration as he talked of dogs and food and nature. He's dreamy....:)

Thinking it was the least I could do, I sang "Summertime" for Anne and she graciously complimented me on what she deemed "my gift". It always means so much to me to sing for people who really seem to appreciate it.

On the ride home, the wind blew cold and we smiled at each other like we always do and I held his warm hand in mine. I slept well that night and felt happy.

family

My dad is coming to visit tomorrow. After a hopefully short VO gig in Silverlake, I will pick him and Lek up at LAX. My brother and I decided that we need to quarantine the family for the evening at his little apartment in Monterey Park.

Not seeing my father for years at a time creates a gap of comfort. We all need to get used to each other again and unfortunately, one weekend is usually not sufficient to accomplish such a task. We will not dismiss the attempt though and I look forward to seeing my father's face. It always feels like too long in between visits and I find myself staring at the new lines on his face as I am sure he does mine.

The last time I saw him was about two years ago and I remember being a little startled at how much he had aged. The sun of Thailand had not treated his reluctant to wear sunscreen choices well and his hair was almost all white. I was not in the best place personally so I am glad to be able to see him again in such a great state of mind and body. For reasons unbeknownst to me, all is going so splendidly right now.

It's raining outside and the weatherman says that this will continue through the weekend. Kind of bummed that my dad won't get sunny California but he gets so much sun in Thailand, he probably won't mind. Mr. S is going to come hang with the fam on Saturday. Should be a great day of food, family and laughter. I'm excited for everyone to meet.

Looks like another great weekend is on the horizon!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best....

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

How beautiful is that on a sunny winter's day, such as today?

The office vents are working hard to keep up with the heat as I continue to drink more water. There is heat outside. It is clear, dry and energizing.

I'm letting a drink for my bamboo plant warm to room temperature and avoiding the things I should be doing here today. It's been a productive day in some weird ironic way. And I got the coolest news from Ed about doing some work on "Sympathy for Delicious" which would make me SAG eligible. Fuck yeah!

Sugarbuns and I were talking about good fortune basically taking a big old karmic cleveland steamer on us....Wow, I am gross....And the key is remembering that we both deserve it. We are both worth it and we both have every right to enjoy it. So I am going to enjoy all the great stuff that has been happening. Music, voiceover, film, artistic things in general, infatuation, food, friendship----soo soo good.

Thank you Universe.

sugarbuns enters the scene

wow, I met someone. And he's like, wow.

cheesy uplifting poem conjured in a moment of meditation

Hold your head up high, Woman
Don't be afraid to cry, Woman
Walk with your heart first, Woman
Quench your spiritual thirst, Woman

Look to the sky for inspriation, Woman
Move your body to perspiration, Woman
Don't rely on human power, Woman
Allow your love to flower, Woman

Trust your path in life, Woman
You're more than a man's wife, Woman
Give all that you can, Woman
Let God hold your hand, Woman.

and things again become quiet

as I exhale....and remember myself. Sit alone. Do not dwell on the dreams of past and future.

Just being here.

I am not totally sure where this came from, this quiet. I did ask for some silence. Here it is. And I wish I was lying on a grassy hill somewhere, enjoying this freakishly sunny winter day, just staring at the birds and following the vapor trails as they fade into the blue. Trying not to think too much, or talk too much or say too much for fear of not having the chance.

Trust isn't as intoxicating as fantasy but it is more nourishing. So I trust my life and my path, in this moment of quiet serenity.

Higher than you thought?

Something about me mistrusts those who do not laugh at fart humor. What exactly is funny about it though? I don't think I can explain why trapped air coming out of your butt in a tonal way is somewhat hilarious to me. We all have a different sense of humor though and mine certainly includes the more "base" aspects of the human experience. Wonder what the "no answer" folks were thinking.....

I was farted on recently and it brought to mind many cute fart memories from the farty past. Maybe you should think of cute fart memories from your farty past...................................now tell me that you aren't smiling?

So I am trying to re-align a little in the next few weeks. Got a few singing gigs coming up which should be a lot of fun and possibly great networking opps. Also want to get into a more regular exercise routine because, well, it's time.

Had a nice weekend. Pretty mellow with a nice chunk of fun thrown in the middle.