Wednesday, April 29, 2009

adjustments and not knowing

There are times I think I know myself well. There are people in my life who have told me that I do. And for the most part, I think I handle this maze called life fairly consciously. However, in the last day or so I have been able to go deeper and see certain things that I was not fully aware of. An arrogance, a selfishness and catastrophic "doomsday" mentality that has not served me well...

As if you couldn't tell, it's been somewhat of an uncomfortable time lately. There have been adjustments that I have made that weren't of my choosing and certain decisions I've made that were in the wrong. I'm not used to having to admit I am wrong. To face my imperfections. Yet recent times have shown me that the universe thought it was time to re-teach me the value of humility. Ouchiepoo. But it's good, it's right and I am going to grow in the moments I stop fighting certain not-so-cute truths about myself.

So my plan is this: get quiet, listen to the wisdom of others, know I know so little and stand behind my promises. This life is truly a gift. Although I much prefer the ups, I can find nourishment in this current down. Reconnect with my dreams, face my demons and just continue this growing up process. I trust in the way of the world and know that perfection lies in every moment. Discomfort is okay. And for the love of God, I have a whole heckofalot to learn.

Friday, April 24, 2009

to minimize the noise

this last year has taught me a lot about self-care, nourishment of the heart/soul and finding my hunger. fortunately for me, I believe that the clarity I have from my sobriety has enabled me to be in touch with myself enough to know better than ever when I am "off". The key is to listen to that instinctual voice. In the last few weeks there have been loved ones in need and I have done my best to answer the call. This has, however, caused me to spend a lot of time away from home. I wouldn't change a thing about how I have spent my time but I will admit that I got a bit weary. Driving and sleeping in a foreign bed for nights on end seep a certain energy. Anyway, this week has been more about spending quiet time at home and re-connecting with the fellowship. That was what my gut told me I needed to do and amazingly enough, it has helped restore some energy and peace to my soul. Whodathunk that my gut could know what is best for me? It is a simple epiphany to realize that in all of our relationships we generally just want each other to be happy and we accept and welcome the personal time that we need to make that happen.

I'm not sure what my plans are this weekend but I figure on being pretty mellow and focusing on getting back into my exercise routine and meetings. There is a calm about me that I have missed for a while so I am just trying to be a bit quiet. Driving without the radio on has been an interesting experiment as I find that I don't seem to do much that doesn't add to the noise already present in my head. Trying to minimize the noise.

As a purely indulgent act, I am compiling a list of things I would like to leave as options for this weekend:
start a new painting
bikram yoga class
write a new song, a whole one
peruse craigslist for art/music posts

I'm going to a spoken word show Sunday night with Tommy and some friends so that will be interesting. Other than that, I've got a dentist appt. and a date with the dogs. Should be sweet.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

the wackness

sometimes movies come along that just fit into your life, your heart, your mind at the right time. Cinematic Kismet. I watched a movie last night that did just that. I laughed out loud, cried a little and felt it in my gut. It was real. Superbly acted, impeccably written and for lack of a less cheesy description, just downright heartwarming.

"What movie? WHAT MOVIE?!" you ask.

THE WACKNESS, baby. The freaking WACKNESS. Loved it.

Although the central character is a drug dealer, Luke Shapiro has got to be one of the most likeable characters I've seen in a long time. He's street smart and cool despite his lack of popularity and yet retains this purity and innocence that hopefully we all remember having.

But enough about that....Here is a snippet of an IM conversation that most definitely did NOT happen at work today. I cut out all the cheesy sweet stuff I said about Tommy in the beginning cuz I think we all know I like him....

*some names have been changed to protect the innocent*

i reallllly reallly think you should try to seduce ****
I am apathetic to it.
mostly cuz that's my thing. apathy
sorry, I am obnoxious today. And I havent' even had coffee yet
BIGMAC [9:34 AM]:
Jesus, I have no interest in seducing ****. The only reason i find her even remotely attractive sometimes is because there are whole workdays where she is the hottest lady i see. But it is between her and ****** and *******
well, until now. ZOOOOOWZA
she is definitely the hottest
I just think it would create a better work environment for you
and I bet she would realllllllllly enjoy it
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
And I saw pictures yesterday of her recent vacation and ... wow, you are something.
I imagine you'd be a very giving lover to her
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
oh jesus
and she has been waiting for a giving lover
she even wrote a folk song about it about two years ago
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
but nobody has ever heard it
well except her friend, Cheryl
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Do not have coffee today, Juni.
sorry dude, I really am
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Yes, you really are.
I think I am going to leave work and drive to mexico
BIGMAC [9:37 AM]:
Leave the driving to me.
sweet! Did your "food poisoning" come back?
can you make it come back?
will it back!
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Maybe if I puke right in the lobby here.
YES. omg, make sure you call me before so I can be there
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Otherwise, it might not be believable
right, so smart
BIGMAC[9:38 AM]:
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
That really doesn't much look like vomit.
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
OK, well I'd better go for real. I'll talk to you soon.
okay....have a good one. Let me know how lunch goes you dirty dog!!!!!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

belief, babies and traffic violations

I'm sleepy today as I was up until 2:30am talking about violence, art and believing in someone
with T-Diggie. It started off as a daily recap of events but then turned into a really deep two hour convo that really touched me. Turns out this boy really believes in me as an artist. When I consistently doubt myself, it's certainly mind-blowing to feel that someone else really thinks you have talent. And isn't afraid to tell everyone. Turns out he has been playing my music for anyone and everyone. And although I know that I can sing a little, it meant so much to me that he is so proud and seems to genuinely like my stuff. I'm feeling quite inspired to write more and continue to find the most authentic pathway to my true voice and sound. My goal is to set aside some time each day to write lyrics/melodies or whatever. I just have to learn how to flex that muscle. Songwriting takes practice and although what I've written that I am most proud of usually comes in a fervor, an almost channeling experience, I know that I have to create a lot of crap in order to mine a few diamonds. But it made me dream again. And that is a beautiful feeling.
Other highlights of yesterday were being on the receiving end of a great beeming love light from little Emily when I brought up her favorite blankie as Jen and I put her sweetness to bed for the night. Although I am quite clear I am not ready to be having children, I have been feeling that maternal instinct more than usual. That split second moment with Emily nourished me on deeper levels than she will ever know. And although I do not know what the future holds, I do believe in my heart that I will be a good mother. Life is such an adventure....
Then, on the way home from Jen's, I made a few incredibly stupid moves on the highway and got pulled over by Cali's finest. Oddly enough, the cop didn't even ask for my lisence and registration and basically just asked me what the hell I was thinking. I was in absolute shock as he guided me back onto the freeway and let me leave without even a small ticket. Sometimes I guess it does pay to be a woman. But I do owe the highway patrol a huge karmic thank you.
It is Easter weekend and I think I will be going with Tommy to our friend Matt's family home to celebrate. I feel warm and happy knowing that my family and heart are continuing to grow.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm feeling muuuuuch better now

My baby's back!
It should be illegal to miss someone that much.

Monday, April 6, 2009

tick tick tick

Today is moving so slowly because I am anticipating Tommy's return from Baltimore. This last week has been interesting inside of my brain. Knowing I'd have time to think has been good and let's just say I did more than my fair share of it. Guess there was a lot of stuff I had to work over and I feel pretty good.

Spring is in full swing and I am digging on this gorgeous weather. Ready to be outside a lot and tan my winter pale. Looking forward to a spring/summer of lots of outdoor activity. Now that I am exercising on a regular basis, I feel prepared and hungry for the outdoor sports that enable themselves come the sunshine.

Work is torture as I continue to put off a few projects that I have been dreading. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet though. Last week was cool in that I only worked three days at the office and got to do a VO at Sony Pictures. I ended up not doing the voice they originally wanted me for but four others that I felt were better suited for me anyway. We'll see what Disney thinks of the project. Not getting my hopes up but considering the plethora of smaller parts I did, I think I might have a better chance at keeping something in the final version. I have so much fun doing this stuff, and occasionally I think I am quite good at it. Got a big band performance coming up on the 19th so hope all goes well with that. I am debuting some new material, which I am a little nervous about but we worked out a version of "my funny valentine" that I think is going to kill.

So life is busy but I anticipate this week to mainly consist of soaking up all the lovin' that I missed. Yum yum yum.