I can't sleep so I figured I would chronicle some of the thoughts running around my head...Got a massage tonight and I was trying to look at my fears. It seems they revolve around 'FAILURE'-a profound fear of failure. But what is failure, really? When I think about it outside the box it seems to me a greedy thing. It doesn't account for the benefit of the experience itself. A shortchanged focus on outcome. So why is it that I fear it? Does it even exist if your perspective does not acknowledge it?

I've been pretty cool with LA since I came back last year this time but tonight I feel like LA has really fucked with my head. I mean, I just don't feel "good enough" here. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not talented enough, not aggressive enough, not slutty enough, not unique enough. Just not enough. And that makes me sad. Because I know I am enough. More than enough but I've got someone else's standards in my brain. LA is the epicenter of the female mindfuck. We've got so much plastic surgery and anorexia around here it is insane. I joke about it but shit, I want to get a mild case of anorexia real bad like. But what would it take to make me feel "enough"? I think about moving to somewhere different, outdoorsy like Colorado or something. Not so far that I feel like I am a world away (like I felt in NY) but not SF or LA. This is a thing I've always done really, this switcheroo thingymajig. I get "urbaned out" and need to retreat. There is a certain level of excitement that I really enjoy in LA but sometimes I just plain feel like it hurts my heart. I would love to be somewhere that isn't so centrally located within this hollywood scene. I want priority to be on being active, enjoying the seasons and doing things that don't revolve around material prestige. Damn, this cleanse is bringing out my inner hippy big time....She may be the most honest me though. I want fleece and cold noses, hair that smells like burning wood and air that is sweet. Hard wood floors and tea kettles and fresh figs in the summertime. Flowers picked on the twilight walk.

This year has been hard in terms of seeing how sexist the world still is or maybe I should say how sexist hollywood is. I am really curious to know what would happen if there was a huge movement among media sources and that men were all depicted with enourmous dongs. Just everywhere, perfect man abs and huge cocks. Seriously. That's basically what is going on right now with women----everything airbrushed and plastic. LA is like living inside a magazine or tv. I know it's all a part of a fantasy but the consequence seems so unworth it. And where the hell did these fantasies come from anyway?
So instead of just bitching about it on a blog, I have done something. Well I did this a while ago really but I am still waiting for the package...I signed up to get trained to run self-esteem workshops for young women. Out here I think it is a neccesity. Believe it or not, I can be more confident than most and I will be the first to say that it's brutal in here.

Even though I am feeling really dumpy these days and DID start this cleanse partially because I wanted to reclaim my self image, I've only lost 3 pounds since I started the MC. I'm not focusing on that but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was surprised and frankly, disapointed. However, I know that I have to get in as much lemonade as I need and that this is more so helping me find my way back to something that will hopefully help me stay aligned with taking better care of myself, mind and body. Looks like someone needs to go camping!