Sing

There are some cool opportunities on the horizon that I am really excited about musically. I performed this weekend at our monthly big band gig and Tommy took pictures of the show. He wasn't happy with most of them but I think this is one of the first I've seen of me singing that I didn't totally cringe at. I also got to shoot his dj gig on Friday and got some shots I really like. Want to really explore this photography thing more. When I get the money, I think my next big investment will likely be a good camera. It's just such a cool and instantly gratifying experience. We're gonna try and do a cool music photo shoot soon for a website I'd like to make. Should be fun, I've got some ideas and I'm excited to use good lighting and props n'stuff.

We'll see how all these things go. There may be a chance I can start singing with a well respected drummer who has a lot of talent arranging music as well. Yes!

In other news, I think I have finally passed through this recent battle with my mind. There was a lot of anxiety coursing through me lately and I am so grateful to feel a sense of calm again.

Going to go watch Jeff run in the LA marathon on Monday which should be awesome. The plan is to sleep at Tommy's the night before to skip the traffic and then ride my bike to the starting line. I think it will be a really fun day.

Stories

I joined a writing group recently. An addition to the Thursday lunch meeting I have every week to work on budding screenplays and variety shows and whatevery other silliness is tickling our fancy. This new writing group is more about life experiences and specifically experiences within recovery. Should be an interesting adventure. Been writing snippets of songs lately too. Guess there is a lot banging around this little brain.

Although most things I am working on are non-fictional, I feel a pang to have more stories in my life. Take this blog for instance, I want to get back to writing about actions and adventures as opposed to thoughts and feelings. With a bank account such as mine, I do find that I am often too lazy to get creative and do things that don't cost money. This weekend should be good though. Tommy is dj'ing an event on Friday, I will be doing a tableread on Saturday and then Sunday is the Big Band Gig. I'm excited because my brother and Jessica will be there along with Tommy and some other friends. I'd like to plan out some hiking and other outdoor activities. If I had all the money in the world at my disposal, I'd really love to go somewhere. Somewhere far, far away.

never ending

is the ability to find more expansive ways of perceiving the world, my "problems", life in general. As a human being, I feel it is so hard to get out of the perspective that we have grown too cozy in. It is impossible, I am sure, to ever be fully objective. However, I am practicing different ways of seeing things. Letting loose a need to control without becoming some kind of doormat.

As we interact, sometimes it is inevitable that we will hurt another but deep down I do still believe that we are all acting on our best intentions. Sometimes our strength is not quite as strong as our selfishness and that is all a part of being human beings. Imperfect, fallible human beings.

And my life becomes infinitely more simple when I walk along knowing that the universe will provide all that I need, good and bad. I need not worry, plan too rigidly or fear that I will be steered in the wrong direction. Sometimes the wrong direction is exactly where I need to go.

I am a sensitive, intensely feeling woman walking this world and trying, damnit. I am working hard to accept and disarm my faults and love those around me without conditions. Freaking pray for my ass.....;)

Some days....

you just need to see a cute puppy doing something a little weird.

attempt

If you want to love me, there's a few things you should know,
I may project an image that isn't always so

You may see a woman grounded, sensual and full of song
but to think that I am only that will drive your journey wrong.

So in this poem, I will undress and show you what's below
I'm learning how to face myself so f it, here we go:

I like to get my sleep and put lotions on my skin.
I do believe there is a god but sometimes act in sin.
I'm picky about the food I eat and occasionally think I'm fat,
but know deep down I'm pretty fly despite what LA says I lack.

I'm loyal to a fault and will sometimes need too much.
I like kisses on my bum and a pretty dick to suck.

Sometimes I'll cry when father's leave on movie screens above me
cuz despite all that I have learned, my heart still questions why he left if he really loved me.
I will over-intellectualize and mine your heart for gold.
I have been known to hang on too long to something that's grown cold.

I watch trashy shit on tv cuz I think it clears my mind, and fight the urge to make you into a man I can define.

But if you're looking for a human with a tender heart to touch,
I'm willing to work hard without giving you Too Much.
I'll fight the good fight side by side and kiss you when you're down and appreciate if you laugh at my jokes when I'm acting quite the clown.
Cuz when I'm not thinking oh-so-much I see the lighter side and maybe bring perspective to the darkness where you hide.

I'll try to hear you when you speak to that which your heart needs,
and find the strength to walk away when
Alone
you want to bleed

I am looking for a love that our society's forgotten.
I'm done with satin fantasies, this grown-up girl wants cotton!
So we can breathe the lifeblood air that makes our world alive and want not need a partnership that looks me in the eye.

Enhance me,
don't Entrance me
and I'll do the same for you
so we can find our Oneness
without ceasing to be Two.