a little blue

life has ups and downs. I get so used to the up and up sometimes that the downs catch me off guard. Don't know why, but I'm feeling a little blue today. Don't know what I need to take it away. Perhaps a walk to the beach. I haven't done that in a while.

outside/inside

I made a choice about 18 months ago to completely give up all mind altering substances. It was a relatively easy choice in the light of desperation. A neccesary choice, but a bold choice and a choice that I have to continue to make time and time again. It is something that often sets me apart from the festivities at hand and although I may not lack for laughter and silliness, there is a perception of reality that doesn't shift with the ingestion of this or that. Funny to say that sometimes this makes me the odd man out. At 31 years old, most of my peers are still partying it up. Still spend the majority of their social time in bars and still lack the type of responsibility in life that would stand in the way of some good, wild fun. Ironically, in sobriety I feel I have found myself in a way that I never could while intoxicated. Drinking or using was my way to feel some sense of freedom or abandon. Freedom from feeling, from insecurity, from my talking head trying to bring me down. But that was a false confidence and for whatever reason made it even harder to find it while sober. Knowing I had to rely on something else to uncage my heart was a huge blow to my ego. Trying to find something else as delicious as drinking a bottle or two of champagne at 10am in the morning and passing out at 1:30p on a lazy Sunday afternoon was hardly something I thought I could top. Taking it all away was like ripping a blanket off the bed on a winter's morning, putting a blindfold on my newly conscious self and spinning me around then kicking me swiftly in the butt down a path I didn't understand. But I did, and I have survived thus far and I have found things within myself and around myself and above myself that blow my mind more than any mushroom or powder or tiny stack of pills could ever do. There is a self-awareness I feel now that brings a greater sense of confidence than the one that would come after four tanqueray and tonics or that first gram of silken candy flower. I still struggle with feelings, what they are and how I am supposed to deal with them but I can at least acknowledge they are there and sit with them quietly until I can decipher the message they are giving me about my fears or joys.

But do not get me wrong:
As much as I love this life I live now and attribute everything positive in my world to the tools I have learned in sobriety, it does get hard sometimes. The greatest obsession of any alcoholic or addict is that they will one day be able to drink or use like a normal person. The concept of the "normie" doesn't compute in my head. Whether you like it or not, if I am using I will almost ALWAYS choose it over you. Do not flatter yourself, you cannot save an addict. We don't stop being addicts either. We will just (hopefully) continue to find the strength to make the healthy choice for ourselves over and over. A big fan of extremes, I have to make this a black and white issue for myself. I do not ingest mind altering substances NO MATTER WHAT. But does my mind fancy a glass of wine at a beautiful meal or a fat rail along a coffee table at a party while loud music bumps the speakers into oblivion? HELL F'ing YES. But when I think these fantasies through I realize that while there may be a solid 20 minutes of raging joy, I will inevitably take it to the place that brought me where I am today. That place is a place where I cannot feel the sensation of my heart except for the fear that it may burst out of my chest. I cannot feel my soul within me, except for a blank stare on the face of my evaporating god. All I feel is that I have an itch inside my brain that says, "more more more more".

Sometimes I want to say, "yep, it sucks. I can't do what you do" stick out my lip and sit with my arms crossed in the corner but that isn't seeing the whole picture. Truly, I am blessed with the answer to a relatively simple equation. As an addict/alcoholic, if I take that first drink, line, pill, toke, the rest will take me. So I don't. Through CAnon, I have answers to the lies my head tells me and people who understand where I come from and the shame I experienced by falling on my ass. However, together we also revel in the glory of finding ourselves back on our feet again and knowing the meaning of what it is to thrive as individuals truly present in this beautiful world. And that, well that just plain gets me high.

this type love

I believe that it is the most simple of gestures that reach my most romantic of emotions. Fresh cut fruit in the morning next to a cup of tea from my honey will always tickle my fancy more than a diamond.

Friday was a busy day for both me and my valentine. Mr. S had a dinner party and I had band practice. I recruited the team to help accompany my silly song of new love. By the time I reached the home of Mr. S, it was already past midnight. Valentine's day had begun. His cooking had gone off without a hitch and he was so happy that I was finally there. Awkwardly, I told him that I had written him a song for this special day and that I was getting more and more nervous about playing it for him. It was undoubtedly me, quirky and cheesy. If he didn't vibe with it, this whole endeavor may be headed for doom. But after many giggles, and all my weird delays, we ran into the cold to fetch the cd from my car. I played it and he laughed and told me he fucking loved it, that I am amazing and that it was by all means the best gift ever. Just the response I was looking for. ;)

Even though I was incredibly tired when I arrived, the energy of our connection kept us up for hours. We talked, shared laughter and poetry and dove deeper into whatever this is that we are feeling. Giggles were plentiful and there are likely more lines on both of our faces from the perma-grins we've been sporting.

The rest of the weekend was beautiful as well. We did a couple's yoga workshop and ate some great food. Plenty of incredible sleep too.

Then yesterday I had the honor of giving my sister, Wendy a cake. There was a room full of strong and amazing women to tell this lovely being how proud we all are of her faith, hope and courage.

Such a lucky lady I am!


lyrics-this type love-shihan

I want a love likeMe thinking of youThinking of me thinking of you type loveOr me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself About how I feel about you type loveOr hating how jealous you areBut loving how much you want me all to yourself type loveOr see how your first name just sound so good next to my last nameAnd shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling youAnd I barely made it out of my garageSee, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleepAnd wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type loveOr who loves the other moreOr what she’s doing this exact momentOr slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our heartsClosing my eyes and imagining how a love so goodCould hurt so much when she’s not there And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type loveAnd check this, I want to place those little post-it notesAll around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type loveAnd not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type loveAnd hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feelAnd I want to deal with my friends making fun of meThe way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type loveOnly difference is, this is one of those real love type lovesAnd just like in high schoolI want to spend hours on the phone not saying shitAnd then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to meAnd smell her all up in my covers type loveI want to try counting the ways I love herAnd lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over againAnd I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries Even though they ain’t really anniversariesBut doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type loveAnd, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone playsWhen none of us dialed into it type loveAnd talk to you until I lose my breatheShe leaves me breathless But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into meI want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling planTo something allows me to talk to her longer‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type lovesAnd I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands areI mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough timeTo love you as long as I’d like to type loveAnd I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter Just thinking about how strong this love is type loveAnd I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hairWell, maybe not all of the hairMaybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustacheBut it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for herAnd check this, I kind of feel comfortable nowSo I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green lightJust dying to get hit by a carJust so I could lose my memoryGet transported to some third world country just to get treatedThen somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with youIn a different language and see if it still feels the same type loveI want a love that’s as unexplainable as she isBut I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

and the laughing goes on and on

So it was a great weekend...Again.

The time with my dad was quite incredible actually. I don't know that I have seen him so expressive and affectionate since I was a kid. We talked about many things and I was happy to report that I cannot remember being so happy with my life. Sure, I am still dirt poor but I have the things I need. I do not go without. And everyone laughed and ate and drank and talked. All the "significant others" were there too and we are truly a family. I brought Mr. S as I mentioned in the last post and everyone loved him. The girls giggled at his cuteness and the men seemed to respect and approve. In my dad's state of hammeredness he did at one point offer to take Mr. S outside to beat the shit out of him but this was after he also offerred to break my nose. Then there was the moment where Mr. S and I both thought that my father was surely going to pass out and crush someone while in a particularly in-depth conversation about cooking. Overall, I think that everyone should get through this with plenty of therapy....

Sunday was filled with more family from the other side. We went to Anne's house and had a splendid meal and great conversation with Deb and Ron. Laughter was abundant yet again and I stuffed myself to the gils. I enjoyed the dynamic and looked across the table at Mr. S with admiration as he talked of dogs and food and nature. He's dreamy....:)

Thinking it was the least I could do, I sang "Summertime" for Anne and she graciously complimented me on what she deemed "my gift". It always means so much to me to sing for people who really seem to appreciate it.

On the ride home, the wind blew cold and we smiled at each other like we always do and I held his warm hand in mine. I slept well that night and felt happy.

family

My dad is coming to visit tomorrow. After a hopefully short VO gig in Silverlake, I will pick him and Lek up at LAX. My brother and I decided that we need to quarantine the family for the evening at his little apartment in Monterey Park.

Not seeing my father for years at a time creates a gap of comfort. We all need to get used to each other again and unfortunately, one weekend is usually not sufficient to accomplish such a task. We will not dismiss the attempt though and I look forward to seeing my father's face. It always feels like too long in between visits and I find myself staring at the new lines on his face as I am sure he does mine.

The last time I saw him was about two years ago and I remember being a little startled at how much he had aged. The sun of Thailand had not treated his reluctant to wear sunscreen choices well and his hair was almost all white. I was not in the best place personally so I am glad to be able to see him again in such a great state of mind and body. For reasons unbeknownst to me, all is going so splendidly right now.

It's raining outside and the weatherman says that this will continue through the weekend. Kind of bummed that my dad won't get sunny California but he gets so much sun in Thailand, he probably won't mind. Mr. S is going to come hang with the fam on Saturday. Should be a great day of food, family and laughter. I'm excited for everyone to meet.

Looks like another great weekend is on the horizon!