The game

I have never thougth of myself as a competitive person but I had a realization recently that brought that particular character defect to light...I like to win. Hot damn, I love to win. There have been many successes in my life, and for that I am quite blessed but in terms of this past relationship, I lost. Just accepting that has brought me a lot of closure. It's okay, I don't have to secretly be the winner. Sure, this was probably a harder experience for me than for the ex and that is great. I've walked away from so many relationships that in a way, feeling walked away from is really healthy for me. We all win and we all lose at different junctures. This just happened to be a losing hand for me. And all the mourning I have done was important but what exactly was I mourning? When I look back on things objectively, seems he was making his exit a long time ago. Of course he would have it easier and even though I hear things from people that believe that isn't even the case, I wouldn't really mind if it was. Why shouldn't he have it easy? Even though I don't always feel this way, I KNOW this is a blessing in my life. A chance to know myself in a way I never have, a dodged bullet. Deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't right either. Guess I just wanted it to be right so bad that I was willing to give way too much of myself to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. We all try the best we can and even with our best, it wasn't all that good. It's called a "breakup" because it's broken, y'all.

I've got great plans this weekend. Potentially sexy plans. Lucrative plans. Fun plans. Creative plans. Not sure that anyone reads this but if so, rest assured that you won't have to read about this old relationship anymore. I will be too busy living my life to spend anymore energy on it! Thank fucking God!

Schadenfreude

Apparently this word means, "gaining pleasure from the misfortune of others". I don't usually have use for this word in regards to my nature but lately it seems all too appropriate. Maybe I will elaborate later.

This kid cracks me up. Trying to laugh at myself and the great comedy that is the human experience. Trying to focus on all the things that I neglected while wrapped up in these past five years of serial monogamy.

Want to get into more exercise, kind of got the eating well thing going already, writing more, reading more, trying to find my quiet within. It's weird knowing that you will never be the same person again. We are always growing, but when you realize that certain circumstances have changed the course that you thought your life was taking, it can be a bit of a shock. A few physical changes have come into play but the mental ones are almost overwhelming. Periods of intensity are usually centered around infatuation and sexuality for me. This particular period is about honesty with the self, and the unending search to be a whole person.

But the truth is that I love relationships. I love love. I love men-the different angles of their bodies and different facets of their personalities, their wounds and strengths. I love being a part of a couple, I love to soothe, to comfort, to please, to laugh with a partner, the comfort, the warmth, the safety. However, now is not the time for that. It may be a time to date around but I struggle with that. I don't do much of anything in a casual manner. I'd like to though. Play the field, have fun without love. We'll see how it goes. For now, that has played a very minor role in this phase of my development. I do wonder though if I need to have a real wild period. Just explore. Sound fun, huh?

The focus now though is not on a man. The focus is on becoming the most whole, healthy and happy person I can be.

New

This was an interesting weekend. A lot happened but not a lot happened. Guess there were a lot of emotional shifts. I feel a sense of closure with my relationship and a new rebirth for myself.

I am interested in re-doing the flower bed in the back of my studio but I think I will wait for spring and turn it into a vegetable and edible flower garden. How cool would that be?

I am reading that book, "The Secret" as sort of a little activity with my mom. We are both reading it and are going to do our Wishboards together. Not sure if that is what you call them but basically the book is about the Law of Attraction. It states that whatever comes to you is what you are putting into the universe. Makes sense I guess but my major issue with it is that it says that feeling bad at all is going to put negative things in your life. To me, that doesn't make sense. I wish I knew how to not feel bad ever but I don't. Not really sure that I want to not ever feel bad, that doesn't seem human to me. But I will give the book a chance. There has to be some merit in the ideas, even if I don't adopt them as my own.

What else...went to the movies this weekend with a friend. Had a great time. We saw, "Slumdog Millionaire" a movie set mostly in Mumbai. Interesting story, good movie.

So life is calm and nice. Phew!

the roller coaster continues

Breakups suck....But when I trust the universe's plan for me, I do feel some comfort. What a roller coaster. First I am up and it is (at times) thrilling, then something happens and I fall, my stomach plummeting to the center of the earth. And I am dramatic and emotional and hateful and lost.

But what else can I do but wait it out? Ride the coaster praying for more trust, more faith, more of that which I deserve....I posted this painting of Frida Kahlo's because I was recently inspired to start a new painting series that picks up where I left off. One of the paintings that I have done which seems to attact attention was done after a different heartbreak. It was very "Kahlo-esque". I want to create more paintings like that with the heart at the center. If I have learned anything, it's that I am a woman who leads with her heart. And my heart will carry me through many a thorny thicket but also peaceful fields that stop you to catch your breath and marvel at this great beautiful world we live in.

I want to pretend that I am in my optimism, which I can't say is a complete lie, but I am in a dark place. That is okay, though. There is growth here, and laughter. Sometimes I want to say, "fuck character building" but I know that I cannot live any other way. Even against my will, I will always chase growth. And I really like that about myself, so ha!