The game

I have never thougth of myself as a competitive person but I had a realization recently that brought that particular character defect to light...I like to win. Hot damn, I love to win. There have been many successes in my life, and for that I am quite blessed but in terms of this past relationship, I lost. Just accepting that has brought me a lot of closure. It's okay, I don't have to secretly be the winner. Sure, this was probably a harder experience for me than for the ex and that is great. I've walked away from so many relationships that in a way, feeling walked away from is really healthy for me. We all win and we all lose at different junctures. This just happened to be a losing hand for me. And all the mourning I have done was important but what exactly was I mourning? When I look back on things objectively, seems he was making his exit a long time ago. Of course he would have it easier and even though I hear things from people that believe that isn't even the case, I wouldn't really mind if it was. Why shouldn't he have it easy? Even though I don't always feel this way, I KNOW this is a blessing in my life. A chance to know myself in a way I never have, a dodged bullet. Deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't right either. Guess I just wanted it to be right so bad that I was willing to give way too much of myself to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. We all try the best we can and even with our best, it wasn't all that good. It's called a "breakup" because it's broken, y'all.

I've got great plans this weekend. Potentially sexy plans. Lucrative plans. Fun plans. Creative plans. Not sure that anyone reads this but if so, rest assured that you won't have to read about this old relationship anymore. I will be too busy living my life to spend anymore energy on it! Thank fucking God!