outside/inside

I made a choice about 18 months ago to completely give up all mind altering substances. It was a relatively easy choice in the light of desperation. A neccesary choice, but a bold choice and a choice that I have to continue to make time and time again. It is something that often sets me apart from the festivities at hand and although I may not lack for laughter and silliness, there is a perception of reality that doesn't shift with the ingestion of this or that. Funny to say that sometimes this makes me the odd man out. At 31 years old, most of my peers are still partying it up. Still spend the majority of their social time in bars and still lack the type of responsibility in life that would stand in the way of some good, wild fun. Ironically, in sobriety I feel I have found myself in a way that I never could while intoxicated. Drinking or using was my way to feel some sense of freedom or abandon. Freedom from feeling, from insecurity, from my talking head trying to bring me down. But that was a false confidence and for whatever reason made it even harder to find it while sober. Knowing I had to rely on something else to uncage my heart was a huge blow to my ego. Trying to find something else as delicious as drinking a bottle or two of champagne at 10am in the morning and passing out at 1:30p on a lazy Sunday afternoon was hardly something I thought I could top. Taking it all away was like ripping a blanket off the bed on a winter's morning, putting a blindfold on my newly conscious self and spinning me around then kicking me swiftly in the butt down a path I didn't understand. But I did, and I have survived thus far and I have found things within myself and around myself and above myself that blow my mind more than any mushroom or powder or tiny stack of pills could ever do. There is a self-awareness I feel now that brings a greater sense of confidence than the one that would come after four tanqueray and tonics or that first gram of silken candy flower. I still struggle with feelings, what they are and how I am supposed to deal with them but I can at least acknowledge they are there and sit with them quietly until I can decipher the message they are giving me about my fears or joys.

But do not get me wrong:
As much as I love this life I live now and attribute everything positive in my world to the tools I have learned in sobriety, it does get hard sometimes. The greatest obsession of any alcoholic or addict is that they will one day be able to drink or use like a normal person. The concept of the "normie" doesn't compute in my head. Whether you like it or not, if I am using I will almost ALWAYS choose it over you. Do not flatter yourself, you cannot save an addict. We don't stop being addicts either. We will just (hopefully) continue to find the strength to make the healthy choice for ourselves over and over. A big fan of extremes, I have to make this a black and white issue for myself. I do not ingest mind altering substances NO MATTER WHAT. But does my mind fancy a glass of wine at a beautiful meal or a fat rail along a coffee table at a party while loud music bumps the speakers into oblivion? HELL F'ing YES. But when I think these fantasies through I realize that while there may be a solid 20 minutes of raging joy, I will inevitably take it to the place that brought me where I am today. That place is a place where I cannot feel the sensation of my heart except for the fear that it may burst out of my chest. I cannot feel my soul within me, except for a blank stare on the face of my evaporating god. All I feel is that I have an itch inside my brain that says, "more more more more".

Sometimes I want to say, "yep, it sucks. I can't do what you do" stick out my lip and sit with my arms crossed in the corner but that isn't seeing the whole picture. Truly, I am blessed with the answer to a relatively simple equation. As an addict/alcoholic, if I take that first drink, line, pill, toke, the rest will take me. So I don't. Through CAnon, I have answers to the lies my head tells me and people who understand where I come from and the shame I experienced by falling on my ass. However, together we also revel in the glory of finding ourselves back on our feet again and knowing the meaning of what it is to thrive as individuals truly present in this beautiful world. And that, well that just plain gets me high.