I love this

And the somewhat amusing story that goes along with it is this:
I ran into this photo on the site, www.Icanhazcheezeburgers.com and instantly fell in love. I’ve been looking at how to make it into a t-shirt. I want to make it a nightgown so I can sleep with that crying little bunny. Fold into the fetal position as I spoon the image and let him know, “hey buddy, it’s all going to be juuuuuuuuuust fine…I know…I know….”.

Anyway, I was at the end of my work day yesterday trying to kill time before I headed into the traffic hell that is interstate 105 and I decided that I would print out a copy to decorate my new cubicle. We just moved last weekend from 6-9 in Admin West. Anyway, I first printed on my desktop in b/w but didn’t feel it really captured the sorrow and vulnerability that the color photo does. I was recently networked to two or three other printers so I started printing to another copier in color. Went to find it but oddly enough, nothing. Printed to another copier, same thing…I still can’t find the numerous other prints and eventually concluded that there may be some issue with my network pathways. Although I was concerned that this photo was going to end up in a report to the Mayor or something (resulting in my termination), I still think it is humorous to think of who, if anyone, might have come across them. What would they think? My hope is that they think it is a message from the copier itself, condemning them for their lack of “green consciousness” or perhaps they hold a deep dark secret gnawing at their soul and who other but bunny grabs hold of that scabby calloused denial and rips it off birthing them into reality?

Maybe we’ll never know.

been a while

I can't believe I haven't posted since December!
I guess that is a testament to the fact that I've been super busy. Life is good. Love is good. Feeling healthy and super excited about the pending arrival of Spring. When the sun in shining in LA, all seems to be well in my world. Can't wait to get tan and run around on the beach!

A brief recap of the months I've missed:
Had a wonderful white Christmas on the East Coast with Tommy's family. They were a joy to be around and I got to meet a ton of them. Also got to have my first cheesesteak! That's a funny story that I'll have to chronicle sometime...

Celebrated our one year anniversary of LoOOOOOoooVe on January 21st. Things with T-dogg keep getting better and better every day. I'm in a state of love that I've never known before and it is freaking wonderful. :)

Started dieting and exercising more in the beginning of January after being sick of feeling like a chub monster. So far, it's been great. I've lost almost ten pounds and am looking to lose a little more.

Work has been busy but overall, I can't complain about it.

There is a possible Catalyst 2.0 coming, which I am going to consider joining. Would be an interesting experience to say the least.

Bought my first Burning Man ticket----sooooo excited.

That's my update in brief. Things are moving along!

happiness

I just finished reading a pretty amazing article about a long-term case study on what makes for a happy life...Here are some quotes that I found quite poignant from some of the case subjects...

Also, for my own purposes, I am including a quote from my grandmother on how she felt about her marriage to the man I consider my grandfather and who she considers the great love of her life.


"It's very hard for most of us to tolerate being loved"

This stood out to me because the man who said this was describing his inability to read some 100 letters written by former patients of his regarding their gratitude and love for him. Upon his retirement, the man's wife secretly wrote to his patients to see if they would send a "thank you" letter. She gathered the numerous responses, put them in a pretty box and wrapped them in Thai silk. Some ten years later, he had not been able to bring himself to read them and he didn't know why. He was considered one of the most exemplary individuals within the study in terms of a high level of happiness within his own life.

The next few quotes are from the head of the study, George Valliant, an interesting case himself. These quotes explain, in a very simple way, what he considers to be key factors in the level of happiness within our lives.

"Money does little to make us happier once basic needs have been met"

Phew! That takes a lot of pressure of my shoulders! ;)

"Marriage and Faith lead to happiness"

This was more of a general observation from his findings although he noted that happier people tended to be more likely to attract marriage or spiritual practices.

"A pre-disposition to stay at a certain level of happiness accounts for 50% of our well-being, 10% is dictated by circumstance and 40% is within our control"

This makes me feel good about my chances as I think I am a generally very happy person. It also ties in with one of his main hypotheses that states that how happy one considers their life is largely due to how they deal with struggle and hardship. "Attitude is huge" is one of his most basic points.

"The very way we deal w/reality is by distorting it and we do this subconsciously"

I find this quote intensely intriguing at all. It has a lot to do, again, with perspective. However, it also acknowledges the fragility of our human condition.

This last quote was one of his favorites from one of his favorite subjects---a man he considered to be both simultaneously depressed and exuberently joyful at most periods in his life-a very functional alcoholic who would come out of the closet in his 70's....This quote articulates what this man considered to be one of his greatest life lessons:

"It's important to care and to try, even tho the effects of one's caring and trying may be absurd, futile or so woven into the future as to be indetectable"

I also love this quote because it reminds me of a song I wrote years ago in a vulnerable attempt to be slightly political in my music for once-to try to say something that I deemed important to the masses. It was also my philosophy for dealing with the angst that sometimes comes from trying, with as much unwavering courage as one can stand, to be a good person when it doesn't always seem to reap a reward.

The article discussed intimate relationships and what a huge part they played in the general self-assessment of happiness within one's life. Any one who knows me knows that I am obsessed with these types of relationships and work hard in my life to maintain them as my greatest assetts. While visiting with my grandmother this weekend, we discussed (as we often do) her last marriage with my grandfather who I adored. He was the great love of her life and the most successful, if solely successful of her three marriages. She's told me on more than one occasion that she believes that a good marriage is based on true friendship. When I asked her how she felt about her self within that marriage she said this:

"I felt safe. I felt confident, and I knew exactly how much he cared for me at all times"

She went on to say,

"the glow of romance will inevitably fade away but the longevity of a marriage lies in having fun with your best friend"

Although I think I have always been a member of the "friend as lover" camp, I think that this particular description of her marriage may have come off as somewhat boring to me at other times in life. Who cares about feeling safe? However, the place I am in now can certainly relate to that set of values and cherish how they create an ability to continue to grow in life. To feel safe to me now means to feel whole and to feel whole within one's self to me enables one to live life with the perfect amount of abandon.

This entry is more for me than anyone else but I must say that I write it with a sense of gratitude and peace that I think I just might be on the right track. That sure makes me happy.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200906/happiness

Turkey! (and a ham)

It's been a while since I have written...please accept my most sincere apologies. The truth is that I have been so crazy busy that I really haven't had an ounce of time. Then again, when is there really a ton of time? I mean, I do remember a couple months back that there were breezes and free afternoons and plenty of tv getting watched. However, this last month of November has been action packed and my calendar indicates that December will be more of the same. December actually looks even more busy. There are a couple of art shows, a few performances for me and then my trip to the East Coast to hang with Tommy's fam for Christmas.

I'm so excited for it all. Every day just keeps getting better for me. There is plenty to do, lots of work coming my way creatively and so much love around me I wonder how the heck I got so lucky.

Tommy and I made a pact that he would come home with me to the bay for Thanksgiving if I was going to make the trek out his way for Christmas. Luckily, he had already met almost everyone in my family because of Jimmy's wedding (which I should probably devote an entire entry to as well) so there wasn't too many more intros to be made. My mom got him involved with the turkey cooking and I must say, no offense Mom, that I think this was our best turkey yet! We had all the classic items in addition to my grandma's homemade sushi and a fantastic potato salad from my Auntie Liz. I need to hit the gym, like hard folks. My size 6 pants still fit but as you can see in the photo, I've got some chubby cheeks to deal with. All good though, life is a series of ups and downs. I'm fat and happy, y'all.

The trip up north was a bit of a whirlwind but that's always kind of been my thang. We drove up on Wednesday afternoon---surprisingly little traffic and chilled that night at my mom's. The next day was Thanksgiving and that seemed to come and go quickly. We made a stop at a friends where we were forced to drink a bunch of tequila and then we headed up to the city on a last minute change of heart. The original plan didn't include SF until the next day but I'm really happy we went early. The city was cold but it was great hanging with Eran and finally feeling like I got some quality time in with him. On top of all that goodness, I finally got to introduce Eran and Tommy and to my delight, they hit it off smashingly.

We were up waaaaaaaaaaaay too late Thursday and Tommy and I crawled out of the house to search for some breakfast but ended up at a slightly strange bar. Eran met up with us shortly after and we got some El Salvadorian food. It was yum...After an incredible nap, we got gussied up and got to hang with the likes of Leigh Phillips, Kate Scott and some other cool peeps. Keeping up on our pace, we also checked out the SF branch of the Catalyst Art Collective. It was so much tinier than the one in LA and I kept trying to figure out who played what roles----who was the SF Misty? Must be that chick with the dread locks, or wait, was it the twenty other chicks with the dreadlocks? Everyone was nice and we enjoyed a cool performance by a guitarist who had his shit all hooked up to what looked like a million different processors. He was accompanied by a great dj and a gorgeous woman dancing behind him and some translucent fabric. After that jaunt, it was off to see Leigh's buddies play their electro project by the name of "Simian Mobile Disco". Everyone at the club was ecstatic to see them and the lights flashed and people screamed. We laughed and I danced on the balcony as we enjoyed the music.

Tommy and I were getting pretty sleepy by the end of the show so we headed back to Eran's. Him and his awesome friend, Maureen headed back shortly as well. We all chilled on Eran's super comfy bed and talked, watched the hilarious "kittens inspried by kittens" on youtube and eventually we all fell asleep in our respective quarters.

Saturday was time to head back to LA to see my visiting grandmother from Washington State. The trip took longer than expected but I was happy to let Tommy take a well deserved nap as I drove and listened to what Tommy so affectionately calls, "my girly music". I got to hear a bunch of wonderful and quirky singer songwriter stuff that was inspriational and peace invoking. I'm so used to being alone on those road trips with my big book of cd's and iPod but my toyota doesn't have either of those components so I haven't had a chance to indulge like that for a bit of time. It worked out great.

Grandma looked great and we visited for a bit with her and the rest of my so-cal fam before heading back to the Catalyst for some needed rest. Got to chat with Grandma again when I picked her up in the morning to head to LAX. Since I work for the department of airports, I have an LAX security badge which allows me to get all the way to the gate without a ticket. We were able to visit for a nice chunk of time which I really appreciated. We had our girl talk and caught up on the day-to-day before I sent her off with a hug and a kiss in her pink jump suit. I felt good about it on all fronts.

The weather was beautiful in signature LA style yesterday and a bunch of us rode bikes to see the new movie, "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" based on an old book. This was a childhood favorite of mine, written by Roald Dahl. Judy reccomended his autobiography called, Boy. It sounds wonderful and I guess I have a new item to add to my Christmas list. At this point though, I feel like I couldn't ask for anything more than all the wonderfulness that I have.

Life is good, love is sweeter every day and somehow (as December is about to make her entrance) the sun continues to shine upon me.

Got a lot to be Thankful for....

baby fever, zorra and quitters

So I am 32. Good thing too because I was mistakenly saying that was my age for about the last 6 months. Now at least I am no longer a bold-faced liar who truly believed what she was saying....It's interesting though, and maybe just in my head but the baby fever was hitting me on all these levels both conscious and subconscious. It became a big joke at work as Richard decided to try and start a rumor that I was "with child". I just went with it, what do I care really? It was a great tool of manipulation---even though it was a known joke. But seriously, preceding a sentence with "the baby wants...." while gently rubbing my lower belly was extremely persuasive. I could get used to this I thought for a split second in my mind....And then Tommy and I were dog sitting our favorite furry friend, Ms. Zorra for a few days. It was great to have all the extra affection and someone to dote on but just like those "egg"spiraments in Home Economics, the attention and responsibility hit me when her normal dog sitter got back into town and was ready to take her. At first, I felt so sad to see her go and then I was flooded with the concept of a returning sense of freedom. There would no longer be any living thing that I was responsible for making "poo". I gotta admit it was a good feeling...So for the time being, that baby fever that was coursing through my veins against my will has been momentarily tamed. Even though I imagine the experience of child rearing to be an incredible one, I could also see being a heavily involved Aunt or something and still being happy. The upright bass player in the big band has been married 35 years as of this week and when I asked her what the secret was she responded with,
"we never had kids". Interesting. I know not everyone feels that way and at different times in her life I wonder if she felt differently but I think that I could perhaps go that route. Only time will tell I guess.

So regarding the cleanse, I copped out at the end of day 1. I was grouchy and hungry and totally anti-social which really wasn't where I felt I needed to go. So I quit and I honestly feel like that was the right decision for me at the time. I have been watching what I eat and trying to get more exercise and I already feel much better. Amazingly enough, I really feel like things were stirred up because the next day I had all the detox signs and my digestive system has been working much more efficiently. I have two performances coming up along with the wedding in November so I do need to be disciplined. It feels good to be taking better care of myself.

Guess that is all for now.

day 1

Okay, well the cleanse is under way.

I know that day one is tough and I do feel hungry and a bit a grouchy. No detox symptoms yet but I'd guess those will show up more tomorrow and the next day.

The Salt Water Flush was pretty brutal this morning. Not so much getting it down, that was easier than I had expected but it took about three hours before it left my system. I am going to try and use a bit more salt tomorrow to see if that helps.

The plan for the rest of the day is to go rent a bunch of movies. There are a few things in the theater I want to see but I want to just be at home in my pj's. I went to Michaels yesterday and bought some stuff to make myself a new scarf and also a bird feeder to stain when Tommy gets back. The scarf is going quick so if I have any yarn left, I was thinking I could use the same stuff to make one for Emily.

Anyway, I am trying to drink more lemonade this time around so that I feel better. Last time I drank so little. In all honesty though, I am definitely doing this with a weight loss motivation in mind so as I get through these first hard days, I am sure I will cut back a bit. Maybe also do some long walks this time too. Sauna at the gym. My system has got to be more toxic than it was last time so we'll see what happens.

Will keep you posted!

love this dress!

I'm such a sucker for polka dots and bows....

Just dropped off Tommy at the airport. He's on his way to the east coast for some family and friend time. Miss his cute mug already....

So, my birthday has come and gone and it was nice. Got the best gift ever from my man with help from Anne. Now I am equipped with a killer microphone. I am legit peeps!

Now, it's back to the grind as I gear up to start another bout of the master cleanse. This time around I am going to shoot for somewhere between 14 and 20 days. It is going to be a feat but I know that I can do it.

I shall report more later on this new journey!