here is a window

I love this

2010-07-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

And the somewhat amusing story that goes along with it is this:
I ran into this photo on the site, www.Icanhazcheezeburgers.com and instantly fell in love. I’ve been looking at how to make it into a t-shirt. I want to make it a nightgown so I can sleep with that crying little bunny. Fold into the fetal position as I spoon the image and let him know, “hey buddy, it’s all going to be juuuuuuuuuust fine…I know…I know….”.

Anyway, I was at the end of my work day yesterday trying to kill time before I headed into the traffic hell that is interstate 105 and I decided that I would print out a copy to decorate my new cubicle. We just moved last weekend from 6-9 in Admin West. Anyway, I first printed on my desktop in b/w but didn’t feel it really captured the sorrow and vulnerability that the color photo does. I was recently networked to two or three other printers so I started printing to another copier in color. Went to find it but oddly enough, nothing. Printed to another copier, same thing…I still can’t find the numerous other prints and eventually concluded that there may be some issue with my network pathways. Although I was concerned that this photo was going to end up in a report to the Mayor or something (resulting in my termination), I still think it is humorous to think of who, if anyone, might have come across them. What would they think? My hope is that they think it is a message from the copier itself, condemning them for their lack of “green consciousness” or perhaps they hold a deep dark secret gnawing at their soul and who other but bunny grabs hold of that scabby calloused denial and rips it off birthing them into reality?

Maybe we’ll never know.

been a while

2010-03-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since December!
I guess that is a testament to the fact that I've been super busy. Life is good. Love is good. Feeling healthy and super excited about the pending arrival of Spring. When the sun in shining in LA, all seems to be well in my world. Can't wait to get tan and run around on the beach!

A brief recap of the months I've missed:
Had a wonderful white Christmas on the East Coast with Tommy's family. They were a joy to be around and I got to meet a ton of them. Also got to have my first cheesesteak! That's a funny story that I'll have to chronicle sometime...

Celebrated our one year anniversary of LoOOOOOoooVe on January 21st. Things with T-dogg keep getting better and better every day. I'm in a state of love that I've never known before and it is freaking wonderful. :)

Started dieting and exercising more in the beginning of January after being sick of feeling like a chub monster. So far, it's been great. I've lost almost ten pounds and am looking to lose a little more.

Work has been busy but overall, I can't complain about it.

There is a possible Catalyst 2.0 coming, which I am going to consider joining. Would be an interesting experience to say the least.

Bought my first Burning Man ticket----sooooo excited.

That's my update in brief. Things are moving along!

happiness

2009-12-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a pretty amazing article about a long-term case study on what makes for a happy life...Here are some quotes that I found quite poignant from some of the case subjects...

Also, for my own purposes, I am including a quote from my grandmother on how she felt about her marriage to the man I consider my grandfather and who she considers the great love of her life.

"It's very hard for most of us to tolerate being loved"

This stood out to me because the man who said this was describing his inability to read some 100 letters written by former patients of his regarding their gratitude and love for him. Upon his retirement, the man's wife secretly wrote to his patients to see if they would send a "thank you" letter. She gathered the numerous responses, put them in a pretty box and wrapped them in Thai silk. Some ten years later, he had not been able to bring himself to read them and he didn't know why. He was considered one of the most exemplary individuals within the study in terms of a high level of happiness within his own life.

The next few quotes are from the head of the study, George Valliant, an interesting case himself. These quotes explain, in a very simple way, what he considers to be key factors in the level of happiness within our lives.

"Money does little to make us happier once basic needs have been met"

Phew! That takes a lot of pressure of my shoulders! ;)

"Marriage and Faith lead to happiness"

This was more of a general observation from his findings although he noted that happier people tended to be more likely to attract marriage or spiritual practices.

"A pre-disposition to stay at a certain level of happiness accounts for 50% of our well-being, 10% is dictated by circumstance and 40% is within our control"

This makes me feel good about my chances as I think I am a generally very happy person. It also ties in with one of his main hypotheses that states that how happy one considers their life is largely due to how they deal with struggle and hardship. "Attitude is huge" is one of his most basic points.

"The very way we deal w/reality is by distorting it and we do this subconsciously"

I find this quote intensely intriguing at all. It has a lot to do, again, with perspective. However, it also acknowledges the fragility of our human condition.

This last quote was one of his favorites from one of his favorite subjects---a man he considered to be both simultaneously depressed and exuberently joyful at most periods in his life-a very functional alcoholic who would come out of the closet in his 70's....This quote articulates what this man considered to be one of his greatest life lessons:

"It's important to care and to try, even tho the effects of one's caring and trying may be absurd, futile or so woven into the future as to be indetectable"

I also love this quote because it reminds me of a song I wrote years ago in a vulnerable attempt to be slightly political in my music for once-to try to say something that I deemed important to the masses. It was also my philosophy for dealing with the angst that sometimes comes from trying, with as much unwavering courage as one can stand, to be a good person when it doesn't always seem to reap a reward.

The article discussed intimate relationships and what a huge part they played in the general self-assessment of happiness within one's life. Any one who knows me knows that I am obsessed with these types of relationships and work hard in my life to maintain them as my greatest assetts. While visiting with my grandmother this weekend, we discussed (as we often do) her last marriage with my grandfather who I adored. He was the great love of her life and the most successful, if solely successful of her three marriages. She's told me on more than one occasion that she believes that a good marriage is based on true friendship. When I asked her how she felt about her self within that marriage she said this:

"I felt safe. I felt confident, and I knew exactly how much he cared for me at all times"

She went on to say,

"the glow of romance will inevitably fade away but the longevity of a marriage lies in having fun with your best friend"

Although I think I have always been a member of the "friend as lover" camp, I think that this particular description of her marriage may have come off as somewhat boring to me at other times in life. Who cares about feeling safe? However, the place I am in now can certainly relate to that set of values and cherish how they create an ability to continue to grow in life. To feel safe to me now means to feel whole and to feel whole within one's self to me enables one to live life with the perfect amount of abandon.

This entry is more for me than anyone else but I must say that I write it with a sense of gratitude and peace that I think I just might be on the right track. That sure makes me happy.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200906/happiness

Turkey! (and a ham)

2009-11-30T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have written...please accept my most sincere apologies. The truth is that I have been so crazy busy that I really haven't had an ounce of time. Then again, when is there really a ton of time? I mean, I do remember a couple months back that there were breezes and free afternoons and plenty of tv getting watched. However, this last month of November has been action packed and my calendar indicates that December will be more of the same. December actually looks even more busy. There are a couple of art shows, a few performances for me and then my trip to the East Coast to hang with Tommy's fam for Christmas.

I'm so excited for it all. Every day just keeps getting better for me. There is plenty to do, lots of work coming my way creatively and so much love around me I wonder how the heck I got so lucky.

Tommy and I made a pact that he would come home with me to the bay for Thanksgiving if I was going to make the trek out his way for Christmas. Luckily, he had already met almost everyone in my family because of Jimmy's wedding (which I should probably devote an entire entry to as well) so there wasn't too many more intros to be made. My mom got him involved with the turkey cooking and I must say, no offense Mom, that I think this was our best turkey yet! We had all the classic items in addition to my grandma's homemade sushi and a fantastic potato salad from my Auntie Liz. I need to hit the gym, like hard folks. My size 6 pants still fit but as you can see in the photo, I've got some chubby cheeks to deal with. All good though, life is a series of ups and downs. I'm fat and happy, y'all.

The trip up north was a bit of a whirlwind but that's always kind of been my thang. We drove up on Wednesday afternoon---surprisingly little traffic and chilled that night at my mom's. The next day was Thanksgiving and that seemed to come and go quickly. We made a stop at a friends where we were forced to drink a bunch of tequila and then we headed up to the city on a last minute change of heart. The original plan didn't include SF until the next day but I'm really happy we went early. The city was cold but it was great hanging with Eran and finally feeling like I got some quality time in with him. On top of all that goodness, I finally got to introduce Eran and Tommy and to my delight, they hit it off smashingly.

We were up waaaaaaaaaaaay too late Thursday and Tommy and I crawled out of the house to search for some breakfast but ended up at a slightly strange bar. Eran met up with us shortly after and we got some El Salvadorian food. It was yum...After an incredible nap, we got gussied up and got to hang with the likes of Leigh Phillips, Kate Scott and some other cool peeps. Keeping up on our pace, we also checked out the SF branch of the Catalyst Art Collective. It was so much tinier than the one in LA and I kept trying to figure out who played what roles----who was the SF Misty? Must be that chick with the dread locks, or wait, was it the twenty other chicks with the dreadlocks? Everyone was nice and we enjoyed a cool performance by a guitarist who had his shit all hooked up to what looked like a million different processors. He was accompanied by a great dj and a gorgeous woman dancing behind him and some translucent fabric. After that jaunt, it was off to see Leigh's buddies play their electro project by the name of "Simian Mobile Disco". Everyone at the club was ecstatic to see them and the lights flashed and people screamed. We laughed and I danced on the balcony as we enjoyed the music.

Tommy and I were getting pretty sleepy by the end of the show so we headed back to Eran's. Him and his awesome friend, Maureen headed back shortly as well. We all chilled on Eran's super comfy bed and talked, watched the hilarious "kittens inspried by kittens" on youtube and eventually we all fell asleep in our respective quarters.

Saturday was time to head back to LA to see my visiting grandmother from Washington State. The trip took longer than expected but I was happy to let Tommy take a well deserved nap as I drove and listened to what Tommy so affectionately calls, "my girly music". I got to hear a bunch of wonderful and quirky singer songwriter stuff that was inspriational and peace invoking. I'm so used to being alone on those road trips with my big book of cd's and iPod but my toyota doesn't have either of those components so I haven't had a chance to indulge like that for a bit of time. It worked out great.

Grandma looked great and we visited for a bit with her and the rest of my so-cal fam before heading back to the Catalyst for some needed rest. Got to chat with Grandma again when I picked her up in the morning to head to LAX. Since I work for the department of airports, I have an LAX security badge which allows me to get all the way to the gate without a ticket. We were able to visit for a nice chunk of time which I really appreciated. We had our girl talk and caught up on the day-to-day before I sent her off with a hug and a kiss in her pink jump suit. I felt good about it on all fronts.

The weather was beautiful in signature LA style yesterday and a bunch of us rode bikes to see the new movie, "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" based on an old book. This was a childhood favorite of mine, written by Roald Dahl. Judy reccomended his autobiography called, Boy. It sounds wonderful and I guess I have a new item to add to my Christmas list. At this point though, I feel like I couldn't ask for anything more than all the wonderfulness that I have.

Life is good, love is sweeter every day and somehow (as December is about to make her entrance) the sun continues to shine upon me.

Got a lot to be Thankful for....

baby fever, zorra and quitters

2009-10-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

So I am 32. Good thing too because I was mistakenly saying that was my age for about the last 6 months. Now at least I am no longer a bold-faced liar who truly believed what she was saying....It's interesting though, and maybe just in my head but the baby fever was hitting me on all these levels both conscious and subconscious. It became a big joke at work as Richard decided to try and start a rumor that I was "with child". I just went with it, what do I care really? It was a great tool of manipulation---even though it was a known joke. But seriously, preceding a sentence with "the baby wants...." while gently rubbing my lower belly was extremely persuasive. I could get used to this I thought for a split second in my mind....And then Tommy and I were dog sitting our favorite furry friend, Ms. Zorra for a few days. It was great to have all the extra affection and someone to dote on but just like those "egg"spiraments in Home Economics, the attention and responsibility hit me when her normal dog sitter got back into town and was ready to take her. At first, I felt so sad to see her go and then I was flooded with the concept of a returning sense of freedom. There would no longer be any living thing that I was responsible for making "poo". I gotta admit it was a good feeling...So for the time being, that baby fever that was coursing through my veins against my will has been momentarily tamed. Even though I imagine the experience of child rearing to be an incredible one, I could also see being a heavily involved Aunt or something and still being happy. The upright bass player in the big band has been married 35 years as of this week and when I asked her what the secret was she responded with,
"we never had kids". Interesting. I know not everyone feels that way and at different times in her life I wonder if she felt differently but I think that I could perhaps go that route. Only time will tell I guess.

So regarding the cleanse, I copped out at the end of day 1. I was grouchy and hungry and totally anti-social which really wasn't where I felt I needed to go. So I quit and I honestly feel like that was the right decision for me at the time. I have been watching what I eat and trying to get more exercise and I already feel much better. Amazingly enough, I really feel like things were stirred up because the next day I had all the detox signs and my digestive system has been working much more efficiently. I have two performances coming up along with the wedding in November so I do need to be disciplined. It feels good to be taking better care of myself.

Guess that is all for now.

day 1

2009-09-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, well the cleanse is under way.

I know that day one is tough and I do feel hungry and a bit a grouchy. No detox symptoms yet but I'd guess those will show up more tomorrow and the next day.

The Salt Water Flush was pretty brutal this morning. Not so much getting it down, that was easier than I had expected but it took about three hours before it left my system. I am going to try and use a bit more salt tomorrow to see if that helps.

The plan for the rest of the day is to go rent a bunch of movies. There are a few things in the theater I want to see but I want to just be at home in my pj's. I went to Michaels yesterday and bought some stuff to make myself a new scarf and also a bird feeder to stain when Tommy gets back. The scarf is going quick so if I have any yarn left, I was thinking I could use the same stuff to make one for Emily.

Anyway, I am trying to drink more lemonade this time around so that I feel better. Last time I drank so little. In all honesty though, I am definitely doing this with a weight loss motivation in mind so as I get through these first hard days, I am sure I will cut back a bit. Maybe also do some long walks this time too. Sauna at the gym. My system has got to be more toxic than it was last time so we'll see what happens.

Will keep you posted!

love this dress!

2009-09-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm such a sucker for polka dots and bows....

Just dropped off Tommy at the airport. He's on his way to the east coast for some family and friend time. Miss his cute mug already....

So, my birthday has come and gone and it was nice. Got the best gift ever from my man with help from Anne. Now I am equipped with a killer microphone. I am legit peeps!

Now, it's back to the grind as I gear up to start another bout of the master cleanse. This time around I am going to shoot for somewhere between 14 and 20 days. It is going to be a feat but I know that I can do it.

I shall report more later on this new journey!

Options

2009-09-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

So my birthday is coming up. 32 years on this earth. Not totally sure what I want to do but as I go back and forth, I figure I am due a bit of indulgence in birthday celebrations. I honestly can't remember the last time that I really tried to celebrate my birthday in a real way. It's usually a quiet time for me as September is inevitably a busy time for all. Funds never seem plentiful either but this year I'm just going to have a full weekend of "living" and see who wants to come along. Maybe dancing in a big club, maybe a pretty hike somewhere. We'll just have to see, won't we?

I just want options people, is that too much to ask? Don't answer, cuz I'm just saying YES.

Other than that, my brother's wedding is moving into high gear as November approaches swiftly. This weekend was the bridal shower for Jessica and Tommy Ryan provided yummy delights through his personal chef services. Thank you Quality Thyme for helping with our quality time.

I hit my head at work doing something stupid and wasn't in top form this weekend but I feel much better now. Head injuries are no joke, yo! It's just nice to feel like myself again and rest up for what is sure to be a weekend of fun.

The weather is starting to cool down and I find myself looking forward to fall leaves and sweaters. The garden is going well for the most part and I'm trying to get back into my exercise routine as I gear up for another go round with the Master Cleanse. This time I am going to shoot for 17 days. Should be a challenge but I could use a physical challenge right now. It's interesting to think that this blog started just about a year ago while doing my first Master Cleanse. I predict this time to go more smoothly and try to remain open to whatever lessons I may learn.

Wildin' out

2009-09-03T11:03:00.001-07:00

A picture my co-worker took from an airplane of the wildfires going on right now. Dizam!

You keep me young

2009-09-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

Damn, LA can really manifest itself in you sometimes, no? As we drove out of this city of angels and into the rocky mountainsides of Lake Isabella and Kernville, I literally felt the stress and tension melting out of my body. There were about 15 of us I think that slept in tents or bunk beds and were greeted by the blazing sun each morning in lieu of a wake-up call. We swam, we hiked, we put oatmeal on our faces and we laughed, and we ate and ate and ate. It was great! And all in honor of Tommy's birthday. :)

I had such a great time with great friends and my fantastic man. I sure did need that!

Acceptance

2009-08-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

This quote hangs in my cubicle:
"Acceptance does not necessarily mean 'liking', 'enjoying' or 'condoning'. I can accept what is-and be determined to evolve from there. It's not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck." Nathaniel Branden

I have had a long standing love affair with the concept of acceptance for a while now. Acceptance of all situations whether challenging or joyful allows me to be grateful for the lessons the universe has to teach me. It keeps me out of self-pity and frees me to move forward.

Recently, I had a strong feeling come over me about my financial world or lack thereof. Basically, something inside of me told me that due to my creative interests and other commitments, I will likely be poor forever so I just find my peace with it. For whatever reason, this kind of sent me into a panic or some sort of spiritual temper tantrum. I had my little freakout and wondered what the heck I am doing wrong or why the universe does not trust me with extra money. After talking at length about this with my father I did find some peace with it. The fact of the matter is that I like my life the way it is. I feel that I live it fully and do not wish to give up the amount of energy that I devote to music, other creative projects and whatever kind of volunteer work that I may get involved in. There is no way that I believe I would be happier if I dropped it all, went back to school and scrounged my way to the top on some more lucrative pathway. Actually, I find that I am somewhat uncomfortable with the very wealthy anyway. That may be a bit of an interesting tidbit to examine but I don't feel like looking into it now. So I accepted my meager means and tried to find peace with a simple life. The only concern that really came into play is the idea of having a family or one day being able to own a home. There has always been something in the back of my mind that figured those types of situations would work themselves out but as I get older, I feel that I need to plan a bit better.
A beautiful aspect of all this thinking perhaps finds it origin in the current happiness I have in my relationship. Being so happy with someone I love has inspired me to look to the future a bit. Mostly because I want to pave the way for more beauty to come of what I have found. The mere fact that someone has caused me to want to look ahead is pretty cool in itself. Tommy echoed my sentiment and mentioned our relationship has done the same thing in his mind. That was nice to hear.

So anyway, I worked on my acceptance and I calmed down and all that junk. Ironically, and boy do I love it when the universe does this, so much extra work has fallen in my lap since then it is quite incredible. I've book three VO jobs this month and have been helping Tommy on the weekend doing chef gigs and what not. I was getting a little exhausted but it sure is nice to have some wiggle room financially. I'm determined not to go overboard with my spending so that I can stay a little ahead here. As much as I hate to admit it though, having some extra money sure does relieve stress and opens up so much opportunity to do the things I enjoy doing.

Economists are saying that there are indications that the recession is ending and although I know that that won't necessarily make it's mark on folks like me for some time, it is nice to know that things are looking up.

In other news, I've had a lot of fun learning about interesting folks in the world like Julia Childs or following Obama's health care reform plans. It kind of blows my mind that his approval rating is at an all time low. Personally, I am so happy with his time so far and have found myself more patriotic than ever knowing he is leading and representing us. What a tough job he has. So much better him than me!

It's slow today at work and I have to get over to Van Nuys as soon as I am cut loose to do some VO for the Dr. Tran guys. Should be fun as usual. Then tomorrow there are plans for a bike ride and maybe some swimming---my new infatuation.

The sun is shining inside and out. :)

sefeeya

2009-08-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

it's a slow day at work and I find myself running the gamut of emotions for no particular reason. Had a long talk with my dad last night on Skype about this and that-it was an honest talk and it was meaningful and equally supportive. I then sat in front of the little garden that T and I planted this weekend and talked a bit with him on the phone before putting myself to bed. I was awoken by a loud siren, the police were on their way somewhere and in a mighty hurry. When I glanced at the clock, I was happy that it was only a bit past 2am. Then, a few hours later I got a text from my boss that I didn't have to go pick him up at the airport. More relief.

I got to work this morning and felt unusually pleasant and chatty. High point number 1. Then I went back and forth with the usual suspects in an email thread about making a made-for-tv movie about a situation in Brittain where a philandering man had his penis super glued to his belly by a scorned wife, two lovers and one of the women's sisters. Somehow I managed to reach Low Point number 1 when I felt offended by something someone said in the emails. I guess I realized at that point that today was going to be a weird day.

Went on a work errand and enjoyed the cool of the car A/C and felt quiet. Then I got really weepy, but like lovestruck weepy. I had to choke back tears all through my lunch break while reading an article in some women's magazine. I'm a weirdo. And now I am sleepy.

Another great weekend

2009-07-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend. A full weekend. I went to Comic-Con again for the third year in a row. An unfortunate lack of communication threw a bit of a snafu into the signing I was supposed to do but it all actually ended up working out for the best. I lagged a bit in the morning after taking in the sun of Redondo and a delicious wild mushroom omelet that Tommy made. It was hard to leave but I finally got on the road and made it to San Diego by 2:30ish. I got to check out the scene for a bit and boy was it a scene. I wish I could upload some of the photos I took with my phone (regular camera is broken). There were some great costumes this year and I screamed internally like a little girl when I walked past the entire cast of "True Blood".

I got to see an old friend and meet up with a few others who were also there. Then we did our signing from 5-7 and it was wonderful. It amazes me how many people out there get the dark and random humor that is "Dr. Tran". I did my first interview for a podcast and that was fun. I felt comfortable and (dare I say) witty. After the signing, I booked it back to get ready for Jesse's big birthday bash. It proved to be what we figured it would, one helluva good time. Ironically or not, I learned some good lessons and riffed with my boo for a long time about just how sweet it is to love one another. I'm believing in love in a totally different way and man oh man, it's just great.

Got a bit of a case of the "Mondays" as I desperately wish I was with Tommy in the waves NOW instead of after I get off work. The ocean water has been a delicious 70 degrees and we are trying to take full advantage of the opportunities to sun and move our bodies. I'm trying to get back into my exercise groove and it feels good.

I also did another VO job on Friday so that will be great help in making August a comfortable month financially. It amazes me how things work themselves out if you are patient. Regardless, I feel rich every day when I think of the happiness that is my life. It's nice when you can stop for a moment, think of all that you are blessed with and smile while no one is watching.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-07-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

It was a fantastic fourth of July. I spent it with friends and loved ones on the Catalyst rooftop overlooking a handful of fireworks displays as music bumped from the B-52's that Tommy had installed under his handmade neon-green canopy. It is hard to remember when I have smiled continuously for such a long period of time. We started the music around 1:30 in the afternoon and it continued well past 3am. When have I danced so much? I don't know.

And the fun continues as friends filter into town and summer is in full bloom.

The weather has been mild. The love has been strong and the laughter plentiful. I continue to be impressed by the man in my life who never strays from his steadfast supply of sillyness, kindness and an uncanny ability to be clever. Where this goes, who knows but I sure am lucky to feel it.

I installed SKYPE on my computer at home and can now talk on a regular basis with my dad. To hear his voice coming through my laptop is at times surreal but I am ever so grateful to the technological advances that allow this reunion of familiarity.

Work is fine. Nothing to complain about really. The coffee stays strong and I am surprisingly focused as of late.

I continue to walk through a personal transition that I guess I am not yet ready to start blogging about. At this point, I'll just say that I am happy with my decision and aim to continue learning who I am and what is best for me.

Gratitude comes in all forms and from many places.

It's official

2009-06-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am in love. :)

iPhones, matches and tv

2009-06-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

these are the things that fill my head in the second that just...........past.

Life is life. Up, down, spinning all around. Asking me questions. Building upon answers already determined only to find that they must be renewed. I heart my boyfriend. He is good and sweet and all things candy. My job kinda blows but it pays the bills and provides me with health insurance and gets me by without sucking my brain at the root. I could exercise more. I could eat better. I could smoke less. But right now is about now. And although I hold steady in the footing of "one in front of the other", I do not see too far into the horizon. And know that is all that I need to know.

unchained -johnny cash

2009-06-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have been ungrateful, I've been unwise.
Restless from the cradle, now I realize.
It's so hard to see the rainbow through glasses dark as these. Maybe I'll be able from now on, on my knees.

[chorus]
Oh I am weak. Oh I know I am vain.
Take this weight from me, Let my spirit be unchained.

Old man swearin' at the sidewalk, I'm overcome.
Seems that we've both forgotten, forgotten to go home.
Oh have I seen an angel, or have I seen a ghost? Where's that Rock of Ages when I need it most?

[repeat chorus]

checking in

2009-06-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

it's actually really hard to not spend money frivolously, did you know that?
Well for me it is.

I did a bit of a financial overview of my expenses and revealed that which I have known for a while. I spend way too much money on shit that I shouldn't and frankly don't need to. But I get something out of it. Maybe the mere transaction of trading paper and metal for a good or service just gets my goat. It's mysterious but I can't seem to shake it. I packed a bunch of lunches for myself but since I don't have a stovetop or oven, most of the food I am bringing is raw. This is fine and probably beneficial but it has a shorter shelf life. It makes me wonder how much I actually save. I know it is significant though. I can spend like the best of them.

Wonder how I would spend if I had all the money to do whatever I wanted? Well, I would love to have a personal trainer/chef or use one of those super expensive food delivery services that customized an ideal nutritional plan for me. I also would immediately buy a really f'ing good camera and just start taking pictures constantly. Traveling, that would certainly happen in the very near future. Would want to go somewhere tropical for a while, just to get things in order. Then I think I'd hit up Europe for a while and eventually hit Japan. Maybe I need to invent something that will blow up and I can take a year or two off.

As for today, I am at work. Drinking the free coffee.

Sing

2009-05-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

There are some cool opportunities on the horizon that I am really excited about musically. I performed this weekend at our monthly big band gig and Tommy took pictures of the show. He wasn't happy with most of them but I think this is one of the first I've seen of me singing that I didn't totally cringe at. I also got to shoot his dj gig on Friday and got some shots I really like. Want to really explore this photography thing more. When I get the money, I think my next big investment will likely be a good camera. It's just such a cool and instantly gratifying experience. We're gonna try and do a cool music photo shoot soon for a website I'd like to make. Should be fun, I've got some ideas and I'm excited to use good lighting and props n'stuff.

We'll see how all these things go. There may be a chance I can start singing with a well respected drummer who has a lot of talent arranging music as well. Yes!

In other news, I think I have finally passed through this recent battle with my mind. There was a lot of anxiety coursing through me lately and I am so grateful to feel a sense of calm again.

Going to go watch Jeff run in the LA marathon on Monday which should be awesome. The plan is to sleep at Tommy's the night before to skip the traffic and then ride my bike to the starting line. I think it will be a really fun day.

Stories

2009-05-14T13:05:00.001-07:00

I joined a writing group recently. An addition to the Thursday lunch meeting I have every week to work on budding screenplays and variety shows and whatevery other silliness is tickling our fancy. This new writing group is more about life experiences and specifically experiences within recovery. Should be an interesting adventure. Been writing snippets of songs lately too. Guess there is a lot banging around this little brain.

Although most things I am working on are non-fictional, I feel a pang to have more stories in my life. Take this blog for instance, I want to get back to writing about actions and adventures as opposed to thoughts and feelings. With a bank account such as mine, I do find that I am often too lazy to get creative and do things that don't cost money. This weekend should be good though. Tommy is dj'ing an event on Friday, I will be doing a tableread on Saturday and then Sunday is the Big Band Gig. I'm excited because my brother and Jessica will be there along with Tommy and some other friends. I'd like to plan out some hiking and other outdoor activities. If I had all the money in the world at my disposal, I'd really love to go somewhere. Somewhere far, far away.

never ending

2009-05-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

is the ability to find more expansive ways of perceiving the world, my "problems", life in general. As a human being, I feel it is so hard to get out of the perspective that we have grown too cozy in. It is impossible, I am sure, to ever be fully objective. However, I am practicing different ways of seeing things. Letting loose a need to control without becoming some kind of doormat.

As we interact, sometimes it is inevitable that we will hurt another but deep down I do still believe that we are all acting on our best intentions. Sometimes our strength is not quite as strong as our selfishness and that is all a part of being human beings. Imperfect, fallible human beings.

And my life becomes infinitely more simple when I walk along knowing that the universe will provide all that I need, good and bad. I need not worry, plan too rigidly or fear that I will be steered in the wrong direction. Sometimes the wrong direction is exactly where I need to go.

I am a sensitive, intensely feeling woman walking this world and trying, damnit. I am working hard to accept and disarm my faults and love those around me without conditions. Freaking pray for my ass.....;)

Some days....

2009-05-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

you just need to see a cute puppy doing something a little weird.

attempt

2009-05-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

If you want to love me, there's a few things you should know,
I may project an image that isn't always so

You may see a woman grounded, sensual and full of song
but to think that I am only that will drive your journey wrong.

So in this poem, I will undress and show you what's below
I'm learning how to face myself so f it, here we go:

I like to get my sleep and put lotions on my skin.
I do believe there is a god but sometimes act in sin.
I'm picky about the food I eat and occasionally think I'm fat,
but know deep down I'm pretty fly despite what LA says I lack.

I'm loyal to a fault and will sometimes need too much.
I like kisses on my bum and a pretty dick to suck.

Sometimes I'll cry when father's leave on movie screens above me
cuz despite all that I have learned, my heart still questions why he left if he really loved me.
I will over-intellectualize and mine your heart for gold.
I have been known to hang on too long to something that's grown cold.

I watch trashy shit on tv cuz I think it clears my mind, and fight the urge to make you into a man I can define.

But if you're looking for a human with a tender heart to touch,
I'm willing to work hard without giving you Too Much.
I'll fight the good fight side by side and kiss you when you're down and appreciate if you laugh at my jokes when I'm acting quite the clown.
Cuz when I'm not thinking oh-so-much I see the lighter side and maybe bring perspective to the darkness where you hide.

I'll try to hear you when you speak to that which your heart needs,
and find the strength to walk away when
Alone
you want to bleed

I am looking for a love that our society's forgotten.
I'm done with satin fantasies, this grown-up girl wants cotton!
So we can breathe the lifeblood air that makes our world alive and want not need a partnership that looks me in the eye.

Enhance me,
don't Entrance me
and I'll do the same for you
so we can find our Oneness
without ceasing to be Two.

adjustments and not knowing

2009-04-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

There are times I think I know myself well. There are people in my life who have told me that I do. And for the most part, I think I handle this maze called life fairly consciously. However, in the last day or so I have been able to go deeper and see certain things that I was not fully aware of. An arrogance, a selfishness and catastrophic "doomsday" mentality that has not served me well...

As if you couldn't tell, it's been somewhat of an uncomfortable time lately. There have been adjustments that I have made that weren't of my choosing and certain decisions I've made that were in the wrong. I'm not used to having to admit I am wrong. To face my imperfections. Yet recent times have shown me that the universe thought it was time to re-teach me the value of humility. Ouchiepoo. But it's good, it's right and I am going to grow in the moments I stop fighting certain not-so-cute truths about myself.

So my plan is this: get quiet, listen to the wisdom of others, know I know so little and stand behind my promises. This life is truly a gift. Although I much prefer the ups, I can find nourishment in this current down. Reconnect with my dreams, face my demons and just continue this growing up process. I trust in the way of the world and know that perfection lies in every moment. Discomfort is okay. And for the love of God, I have a whole heckofalot to learn.

to minimize the noise

2009-04-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

this last year has taught me a lot about self-care, nourishment of the heart/soul and finding my hunger. fortunately for me, I believe that the clarity I have from my sobriety has enabled me to be in touch with myself enough to know better than ever when I am "off". The key is to listen to that instinctual voice. In the last few weeks there have been loved ones in need and I have done my best to answer the call. This has, however, caused me to spend a lot of time away from home. I wouldn't change a thing about how I have spent my time but I will admit that I got a bit weary. Driving and sleeping in a foreign bed for nights on end seep a certain energy. Anyway, this week has been more about spending quiet time at home and re-connecting with the fellowship. That was what my gut told me I needed to do and amazingly enough, it has helped restore some energy and peace to my soul. Whodathunk that my gut could know what is best for me? It is a simple epiphany to realize that in all of our relationships we generally just want each other to be happy and we accept and welcome the personal time that we need to make that happen.

I'm not sure what my plans are this weekend but I figure on being pretty mellow and focusing on getting back into my exercise routine and meetings. There is a calm about me that I have missed for a while so I am just trying to be a bit quiet. Driving without the radio on has been an interesting experiment as I find that I don't seem to do much that doesn't add to the noise already present in my head. Trying to minimize the noise.

As a purely indulgent act, I am compiling a list of things I would like to leave as options for this weekend:
start a new painting
bikram yoga class
write a new song, a whole one
peruse craigslist for art/music posts

I'm going to a spoken word show Sunday night with Tommy and some friends so that will be interesting. Other than that, I've got a dentist appt. and a date with the dogs. Should be sweet.

the wackness

2009-04-16T09:01:00.001-07:00

sometimes movies come along that just fit into your life, your heart, your mind at the right time. Cinematic Kismet. I watched a movie last night that did just that. I laughed out loud, cried a little and felt it in my gut. It was real. Superbly acted, impeccably written and for lack of a less cheesy description, just downright heartwarming.

"What movie? WHAT MOVIE?!" you ask.

THE WACKNESS, baby. The freaking WACKNESS. Loved it.

Although the central character is a drug dealer, Luke Shapiro has got to be one of the most likeable characters I've seen in a long time. He's street smart and cool despite his lack of popularity and yet retains this purity and innocence that hopefully we all remember having.

But enough about that....Here is a snippet of an IM conversation that most definitely did NOT happen at work today. I cut out all the cheesy sweet stuff I said about Tommy in the beginning cuz I think we all know I like him....

*some names have been changed to protect the innocent*

BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
i reallllly reallly think you should try to seduce ****
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
I am apathetic to it.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
mostly cuz that's my thing. apathy
BUCHER, JUNI [9:33 AM]:
sorry, I am obnoxious today. And I havent' even had coffee yet
BIGMAC [9:34 AM]:
Jesus, I have no interest in seducing ****. The only reason i find her even remotely attractive sometimes is because there are whole workdays where she is the hottest lady i see. But it is between her and ****** and *******
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
well, until now. ZOOOOOWZA
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
she is definitely the hottest
BUCHER, JUNI [9:34 AM]:
I just think it would create a better work environment for you
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
and I bet she would realllllllllly enjoy it
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
And I saw pictures yesterday of her recent vacation and ... wow, you are something.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
I imagine you'd be a very giving lover to her
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
LLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
LMAO
BIGMAC [9:35 AM]:
oh jesus
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
and she has been waiting for a giving lover
BUCHER, JUNI [9:35 AM]:
she even wrote a folk song about it about two years ago
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
WTF?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
but nobody has ever heard it
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
well except her friend, Cheryl
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
but NOBODY ELSE!
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Do not have coffee today, Juni.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
toolate
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
sorry dude, I really am
BIGMAC [9:36 AM]:
Yes, you really are.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:36 AM]:
I think I am going to leave work and drive to mexico
BIGMAC [9:37 AM]:
Leave the driving to me.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
sweet! Did your "food poisoning" come back?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
can you make it come back?
BUCHER, JUNI [9:37 AM]:
will it back!
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Maybe if I puke right in the lobby here.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:38 AM]:
YES. omg, make sure you call me before so I can be there
BIGMAC [9:38 AM]:
Otherwise, it might not be believable
BUCHER, JUNI [9:38 AM]:
right, so smart
BIGMAC[9:38 AM]:
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
That really doesn't much look like vomit.
BIGMAC [9:39 AM]:
OK, well I'd better go for real. I'll talk to you soon.
BUCHER, JUNI [9:39 AM]:
okay....have a good one. Let me know how lunch goes you dirty dog!!!!!!!

belief, babies and traffic violations

2009-04-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sleepy today as I was up until 2:30am talking about violence, art and believing in someone

with T-Diggie. It started off as a daily recap of events but then turned into a really deep two hour convo that really touched me. Turns out this boy really believes in me as an artist. When I consistently doubt myself, it's certainly mind-blowing to feel that someone else really thinks you have talent. And isn't afraid to tell everyone. Turns out he has been playing my music for anyone and everyone. And although I know that I can sing a little, it meant so much to me that he is so proud and seems to genuinely like my stuff. I'm feeling quite inspired to write more and continue to find the most authentic pathway to my true voice and sound. My goal is to set aside some time each day to write lyrics/melodies or whatever. I just have to learn how to flex that muscle. Songwriting takes practice and although what I've written that I am most proud of usually comes in a fervor, an almost channeling experience, I know that I have to create a lot of crap in order to mine a few diamonds. But it made me dream again. And that is a beautiful feeling.

Other highlights of yesterday were being on the receiving end of a great beeming love light from little Emily when I brought up her favorite blankie as Jen and I put her sweetness to bed for the night. Although I am quite clear I am not ready to be having children, I have been feeling that maternal instinct more than usual. That split second moment with Emily nourished me on deeper levels than she will ever know. And although I do not know what the future holds, I do believe in my heart that I will be a good mother. Life is such an adventure....

Then, on the way home from Jen's, I made a few incredibly stupid moves on the highway and got pulled over by Cali's finest. Oddly enough, the cop didn't even ask for my lisence and registration and basically just asked me what the hell I was thinking. I was in absolute shock as he guided me back onto the freeway and let me leave without even a small ticket. Sometimes I guess it does pay to be a woman. But I do owe the highway patrol a huge karmic thank you.

It is Easter weekend and I think I will be going with Tommy to our friend Matt's family home to celebrate. I feel warm and happy knowing that my family and heart are continuing to grow.

I'm feeling muuuuuch better now

2009-04-07T11:11:00.001-07:00

My baby's back!
It should be illegal to miss someone that much.

tick tick tick

2009-04-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today is moving so slowly because I am anticipating Tommy's return from Baltimore. This last week has been interesting inside of my brain. Knowing I'd have time to think has been good and let's just say I did more than my fair share of it. Guess there was a lot of stuff I had to work over and I feel pretty good.

Spring is in full swing and I am digging on this gorgeous weather. Ready to be outside a lot and tan my winter pale. Looking forward to a spring/summer of lots of outdoor activity. Now that I am exercising on a regular basis, I feel prepared and hungry for the outdoor sports that enable themselves come the sunshine.

Work is torture as I continue to put off a few projects that I have been dreading. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet though. Last week was cool in that I only worked three days at the office and got to do a VO at Sony Pictures. I ended up not doing the voice they originally wanted me for but four others that I felt were better suited for me anyway. We'll see what Disney thinks of the project. Not getting my hopes up but considering the plethora of smaller parts I did, I think I might have a better chance at keeping something in the final version. I have so much fun doing this stuff, and occasionally I think I am quite good at it. Got a big band performance coming up on the 19th so hope all goes well with that. I am debuting some new material, which I am a little nervous about but we worked out a version of "my funny valentine" that I think is going to kill.

So life is busy but I anticipate this week to mainly consist of soaking up all the lovin' that I missed. Yum yum yum.

riding a wave of unending happiness

2009-03-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

driving in the dark of a pending morning, I felt quiet today. And I settled into myself and thought, "you know, everything is great". It's always interesting when you stop yourself enough to really figure out how you are doing. And it's always so nice when you realize you are doing pretty darn good. When you realize you feel deeply contented.

It's been a whirlwind of a month. I've been sticking to my exercise commitments and that has been a lot of fun for me. There have also been a gazillion events at the catalyst which I always seem to tag along for. I keep teasing Tommy that my exercising is really my extreme physical training regiment to survive being his girlfriend. I'm kidding but I am not....I've burned some serious sober midnight oil with that guy and for whatever reason, I seem to have more energy than I know what to do with. But again, I had a quiet moment this morning that I welcomed and slept so deeply last night wrapped up in his arms that I almost didn't know where the hell I was when I woke up. I probably could have used 3 more good hours of that but duty calls.

Tonight is my friend Matt's sculpture show at the Catalyst and then my party run will slow down a bit. They've got something going on tomorrow that I am going to skip and then Tommy will be in Baltimore for some days. I might do a cleanse, not quite sure yet. Gotta say I am pretty excited about things calming down for the next month. But as for now, I'm just riding the wave Baby!

The importance of Importance

2009-03-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

I was reading my friend Justin's blog and he was talking about what we regard as important. Making sure to make the distinction between what we REALLY think is important as opposed to the things we feel we "should". His response was "the road less travelled". When I thought about it, the first thing that came to mind clearly was "being a participant in my life". If I am not being actively creative or feeling passion towards something, I feel dead. Taking responsibility for my own growth is super important too.

The picture here is of the piece that Mr. S and I worked on this past weekend. It stands tall at about 5x4 ft and resides above the dj booth in his room. I love it. And I love that we did it together. About 6 hours of little talking, lots of music and comedy on the stereo. And damnit if taking something to completion doesn't feel good!

Justin's post also inspired me to write out a list here of the things I would like to be accomplishing. Some of them are more lofty than others but I think putting paper to pen somehow empowers the intention. So here goes:

Sing more live shows outside of Big Band gigs
stand up at least once on a surf board
be in good shape by summer
cut out refined sugar from my diet
create a high end macrobiotic dinner party menu
re-do the art on my walls with photography or new paintings
get over my fear of dancing
at least one more animated VO gig
go on vacation somewhere

I will do these things before the end of summer. Yep!

daylight savings

2009-03-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

This last weekend we lost an hour of time but gained an hour of daylight. Totally cut off from the news of the world, I was holed up in a lovewarehouse painting and cooking and loving my honey up. It wasn't until Sunday afternoon that I realized that this change had occurred. Think I've made it through the lost hour of sleep and can now be grateful that it is still sunny at 6pm.

It's been a weird couple of weeks. Rocky at times inside of my head. There were some weird stresses and I finally broke down and had a few good little cries. But I guess I forgot that life is a bit of a roller coaster from time to time. There has been a lot going on. Adjustments, people dealing with health issues, painful dealings with HMO providers, surprising tax debt and work drama. Thankfully, I have found solace in exercise and it has been a great help to my sometimes prone to worry mind. Yesterday, was probably the peak of my feelings of stress and I sweat it all out and remembered that there is no point in trying to control that which I have no control over.

When I really take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things, I know I have it good. There are wonderful friends in my life as well as a kick-ass dude by my side. I'm proud to say that I feel I am in the healthiest, most balanced relationship that I've had to date. It's an odd adjustment to not feel that I have lost my life to someone else. There is still plenty of time to do my own things and when we are togetherthere is an awesome fusion of creativity and chemistry. My honey is yummy.

So thank f'ing goodness I feel like a sane person again. Really thought I was losing it for a second there. Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful qualities of life, the downs existing to illuminate the ups.

a little blue

2009-02-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

life has ups and downs. I get so used to the up and up sometimes that the downs catch me off guard. Don't know why, but I'm feeling a little blue today. Don't know what I need to take it away. Perhaps a walk to the beach. I haven't done that in a while.

outside/inside

2009-02-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

I made a choice about 18 months ago to completely give up all mind altering substances. It was a relatively easy choice in the light of desperation. A neccesary choice, but a bold choice and a choice that I have to continue to make time and time again. It is something that often sets me apart from the festivities at hand and although I may not lack for laughter and silliness, there is a perception of reality that doesn't shift with the ingestion of this or that. Funny to say that sometimes this makes me the odd man out. At 31 years old, most of my peers are still partying it up. Still spend the majority of their social time in bars and still lack the type of responsibility in life that would stand in the way of some good, wild fun. Ironically, in sobriety I feel I have found myself in a way that I never could while intoxicated. Drinking or using was my way to feel some sense of freedom or abandon. Freedom from feeling, from insecurity, from my talking head trying to bring me down. But that was a false confidence and for whatever reason made it even harder to find it while sober. Knowing I had to rely on something else to uncage my heart was a huge blow to my ego. Trying to find something else as delicious as drinking a bottle or two of champagne at 10am in the morning and passing out at 1:30p on a lazy Sunday afternoon was hardly something I thought I could top. Taking it all away was like ripping a blanket off the bed on a winter's morning, putting a blindfold on my newly conscious self and spinning me around then kicking me swiftly in the butt down a path I didn't understand. But I did, and I have survived thus far and I have found things within myself and around myself and above myself that blow my mind more than any mushroom or powder or tiny stack of pills could ever do. There is a self-awareness I feel now that brings a greater sense of confidence than the one that would come after four tanqueray and tonics or that first gram of silken candy flower. I still struggle with feelings, what they are and how I am supposed to deal with them but I can at least acknowledge they are there and sit with them quietly until I can decipher the message they are giving me about my fears or joys.

But do not get me wrong:
As much as I love this life I live now and attribute everything positive in my world to the tools I have learned in sobriety, it does get hard sometimes. The greatest obsession of any alcoholic or addict is that they will one day be able to drink or use like a normal person. The concept of the "normie" doesn't compute in my head. Whether you like it or not, if I am using I will almost ALWAYS choose it over you. Do not flatter yourself, you cannot save an addict. We don't stop being addicts either. We will just (hopefully) continue to find the strength to make the healthy choice for ourselves over and over. A big fan of extremes, I have to make this a black and white issue for myself. I do not ingest mind altering substances NO MATTER WHAT. But does my mind fancy a glass of wine at a beautiful meal or a fat rail along a coffee table at a party while loud music bumps the speakers into oblivion? HELL F'ing YES. But when I think these fantasies through I realize that while there may be a solid 20 minutes of raging joy, I will inevitably take it to the place that brought me where I am today. That place is a place where I cannot feel the sensation of my heart except for the fear that it may burst out of my chest. I cannot feel my soul within me, except for a blank stare on the face of my evaporating god. All I feel is that I have an itch inside my brain that says, "more more more more".

Sometimes I want to say, "yep, it sucks. I can't do what you do" stick out my lip and sit with my arms crossed in the corner but that isn't seeing the whole picture. Truly, I am blessed with the answer to a relatively simple equation. As an addict/alcoholic, if I take that first drink, line, pill, toke, the rest will take me. So I don't. Through CAnon, I have answers to the lies my head tells me and people who understand where I come from and the shame I experienced by falling on my ass. However, together we also revel in the glory of finding ourselves back on our feet again and knowing the meaning of what it is to thrive as individuals truly present in this beautiful world. And that, well that just plain gets me high.

this type love

2009-02-17T11:39:00.001-08:00

I believe that it is the most simple of gestures that reach my most romantic of emotions. Fresh cut fruit in the morning next to a cup of tea from my honey will always tickle my fancy more than a diamond.

Friday was a busy day for both me and my valentine. Mr. S had a dinner party and I had band practice. I recruited the team to help accompany my silly song of new love. By the time I reached the home of Mr. S, it was already past midnight. Valentine's day had begun. His cooking had gone off without a hitch and he was so happy that I was finally there. Awkwardly, I told him that I had written him a song for this special day and that I was getting more and more nervous about playing it for him. It was undoubtedly me, quirky and cheesy. If he didn't vibe with it, this whole endeavor may be headed for doom. But after many giggles, and all my weird delays, we ran into the cold to fetch the cd from my car. I played it and he laughed and told me he fucking loved it, that I am amazing and that it was by all means the best gift ever. Just the response I was looking for. ;)

Even though I was incredibly tired when I arrived, the energy of our connection kept us up for hours. We talked, shared laughter and poetry and dove deeper into whatever this is that we are feeling. Giggles were plentiful and there are likely more lines on both of our faces from the perma-grins we've been sporting.

The rest of the weekend was beautiful as well. We did a couple's yoga workshop and ate some great food. Plenty of incredible sleep too.

Then yesterday I had the honor of giving my sister, Wendy a cake. There was a room full of strong and amazing women to tell this lovely being how proud we all are of her faith, hope and courage.

Such a lucky lady I am!

lyrics-this type love-shihan

I want a love likeMe thinking of youThinking of me thinking of you type loveOr me telling my friends more than I’ve ever admitted to myself About how I feel about you type loveOr hating how jealous you areBut loving how much you want me all to yourself type loveOr see how your first name just sound so good next to my last nameAnd shit I wanted to see how far I could get without calling youAnd I barely made it out of my garageSee, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleepAnd wonder if she’s dreaming about us being in love type loveOr who loves the other moreOr what she’s doing this exact momentOr slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our heartsClosing my eyes and imagining how a love so goodCould hurt so much when she’s not there And shit I love not knowing where this love is headed type loveAnd check this, I want to place those little post-it notesAll around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type loveAnd not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type loveAnd hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feelAnd I want to deal with my friends making fun of meThe way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type loveOnly difference is, this is one of those real love type lovesAnd just like in high schoolI want to spend hours on the phone not saying shitAnd then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to meAnd smell her all up in my covers type loveI want to try counting the ways I love herAnd lose count in the middle just so I have to start all over againAnd I want to celebrate one of those one month anniversaries Even though they ain’t really anniversariesBut doing it just ‘cause it make her happy type loveAnd, check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone playsWhen none of us dialed into it type loveAnd talk to you until I lose my breatheShe leaves me breathless But with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into meI want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling planTo something allows me to talk to her longer‘cause in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type lovesAnd I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands areI mean the lines on my palms don’t give me enough timeTo love you as long as I’d like to type loveAnd I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter Just thinking about how strong this love is type loveAnd I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hairWell, maybe not all of the hairMaybe like I cut the split ends and trim my moustacheBut it would still be a symbol of how strong my love for herAnd check this, I kind of feel comfortable nowSo I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green lightJust dying to get hit by a carJust so I could lose my memoryGet transported to some third world country just to get treatedThen somehow meet up again with you so I can fall in love with youIn a different language and see if it still feels the same type loveI want a love that’s as unexplainable as she isBut I’m married, so she’s gonna be the one I share this love with

and the laughing goes on and on

2009-02-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

So it was a great weekend...Again.

The time with my dad was quite incredible actually. I don't know that I have seen him so expressive and affectionate since I was a kid. We talked about many things and I was happy to report that I cannot remember being so happy with my life. Sure, I am still dirt poor but I have the things I need. I do not go without. And everyone laughed and ate and drank and talked. All the "significant others" were there too and we are truly a family. I brought Mr. S as I mentioned in the last post and everyone loved him. The girls giggled at his cuteness and the men seemed to respect and approve. In my dad's state of hammeredness he did at one point offer to take Mr. S outside to beat the shit out of him but this was after he also offerred to break my nose. Then there was the moment where Mr. S and I both thought that my father was surely going to pass out and crush someone while in a particularly in-depth conversation about cooking. Overall, I think that everyone should get through this with plenty of therapy....

Sunday was filled with more family from the other side. We went to Anne's house and had a splendid meal and great conversation with Deb and Ron. Laughter was abundant yet again and I stuffed myself to the gils. I enjoyed the dynamic and looked across the table at Mr. S with admiration as he talked of dogs and food and nature. He's dreamy....:)

Thinking it was the least I could do, I sang "Summertime" for Anne and she graciously complimented me on what she deemed "my gift". It always means so much to me to sing for people who really seem to appreciate it.

On the ride home, the wind blew cold and we smiled at each other like we always do and I held his warm hand in mine. I slept well that night and felt happy.

family

2009-02-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

My dad is coming to visit tomorrow. After a hopefully short VO gig in Silverlake, I will pick him and Lek up at LAX. My brother and I decided that we need to quarantine the family for the evening at his little apartment in Monterey Park.

Not seeing my father for years at a time creates a gap of comfort. We all need to get used to each other again and unfortunately, one weekend is usually not sufficient to accomplish such a task. We will not dismiss the attempt though and I look forward to seeing my father's face. It always feels like too long in between visits and I find myself staring at the new lines on his face as I am sure he does mine.

The last time I saw him was about two years ago and I remember being a little startled at how much he had aged. The sun of Thailand had not treated his reluctant to wear sunscreen choices well and his hair was almost all white. I was not in the best place personally so I am glad to be able to see him again in such a great state of mind and body. For reasons unbeknownst to me, all is going so splendidly right now.

It's raining outside and the weatherman says that this will continue through the weekend. Kind of bummed that my dad won't get sunny California but he gets so much sun in Thailand, he probably won't mind. Mr. S is going to come hang with the fam on Saturday. Should be a great day of food, family and laughter. I'm excited for everyone to meet.

Looks like another great weekend is on the horizon!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best....

2009-01-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."

How beautiful is that on a sunny winter's day, such as today?

The office vents are working hard to keep up with the heat as I continue to drink more water. There is heat outside. It is clear, dry and energizing.

I'm letting a drink for my bamboo plant warm to room temperature and avoiding the things I should be doing here today. It's been a productive day in some weird ironic way. And I got the coolest news from Ed about doing some work on "Sympathy for Delicious" which would make me SAG eligible. Fuck yeah!

Sugarbuns and I were talking about good fortune basically taking a big old karmic cleveland steamer on us....Wow, I am gross....And the key is remembering that we both deserve it. We are both worth it and we both have every right to enjoy it. So I am going to enjoy all the great stuff that has been happening. Music, voiceover, film, artistic things in general, infatuation, food, friendship----soo soo good.

Thank you Universe.

sugarbuns enters the scene

2009-01-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

wow, I met someone. And he's like, wow.

cheesy uplifting poem conjured in a moment of meditation

2009-01-14T14:57:00.000-08:00

Hold your head up high, Woman
Don't be afraid to cry, Woman
Walk with your heart first, Woman
Quench your spiritual thirst, Woman

Look to the sky for inspriation, Woman
Move your body to perspiration, Woman
Don't rely on human power, Woman
Allow your love to flower, Woman

Trust your path in life, Woman
You're more than a man's wife, Woman
Give all that you can, Woman
Let God hold your hand, Woman.

and things again become quiet

2009-01-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

as I exhale....and remember myself. Sit alone. Do not dwell on the dreams of past and future.

Just being here.

I am not totally sure where this came from, this quiet. I did ask for some silence. Here it is. And I wish I was lying on a grassy hill somewhere, enjoying this freakishly sunny winter day, just staring at the birds and following the vapor trails as they fade into the blue. Trying not to think too much, or talk too much or say too much for fear of not having the chance.

Trust isn't as intoxicating as fantasy but it is more nourishing. So I trust my life and my path, in this moment of quiet serenity.

Higher than you thought?

2009-01-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

Something about me mistrusts those who do not laugh at fart humor. What exactly is funny about it though? I don't think I can explain why trapped air coming out of your butt in a tonal way is somewhat hilarious to me. We all have a different sense of humor though and mine certainly includes the more "base" aspects of the human experience. Wonder what the "no answer" folks were thinking.....

I was farted on recently and it brought to mind many cute fart memories from the farty past. Maybe you should think of cute fart memories from your farty past...................................now tell me that you aren't smiling?

So I am trying to re-align a little in the next few weeks. Got a few singing gigs coming up which should be a lot of fun and possibly great networking opps. Also want to get into a more regular exercise routine because, well, it's time.

Had a nice weekend. Pretty mellow with a nice chunk of fun thrown in the middle.

The game

2008-12-19T07:47:00.000-08:00

I have never thougth of myself as a competitive person but I had a realization recently that brought that particular character defect to light...I like to win. Hot damn, I love to win. There have been many successes in my life, and for that I am quite blessed but in terms of this past relationship, I lost. Just accepting that has brought me a lot of closure. It's okay, I don't have to secretly be the winner. Sure, this was probably a harder experience for me than for the ex and that is great. I've walked away from so many relationships that in a way, feeling walked away from is really healthy for me. We all win and we all lose at different junctures. This just happened to be a losing hand for me. And all the mourning I have done was important but what exactly was I mourning? When I look back on things objectively, seems he was making his exit a long time ago. Of course he would have it easier and even though I hear things from people that believe that isn't even the case, I wouldn't really mind if it was. Why shouldn't he have it easy? Even though I don't always feel this way, I KNOW this is a blessing in my life. A chance to know myself in a way I never have, a dodged bullet. Deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't right either. Guess I just wanted it to be right so bad that I was willing to give way too much of myself to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. We all try the best we can and even with our best, it wasn't all that good. It's called a "breakup" because it's broken, y'all.

I've got great plans this weekend. Potentially sexy plans. Lucrative plans. Fun plans. Creative plans. Not sure that anyone reads this but if so, rest assured that you won't have to read about this old relationship anymore. I will be too busy living my life to spend anymore energy on it! Thank fucking God!

Schadenfreude

2008-12-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

Apparently this word means, "gaining pleasure from the misfortune of others". I don't usually have use for this word in regards to my nature but lately it seems all too appropriate. Maybe I will elaborate later.

This kid cracks me up. Trying to laugh at myself and the great comedy that is the human experience. Trying to focus on all the things that I neglected while wrapped up in these past five years of serial monogamy.

Want to get into more exercise, kind of got the eating well thing going already, writing more, reading more, trying to find my quiet within. It's weird knowing that you will never be the same person again. We are always growing, but when you realize that certain circumstances have changed the course that you thought your life was taking, it can be a bit of a shock. A few physical changes have come into play but the mental ones are almost overwhelming. Periods of intensity are usually centered around infatuation and sexuality for me. This particular period is about honesty with the self, and the unending search to be a whole person.

But the truth is that I love relationships. I love love. I love men-the different angles of their bodies and different facets of their personalities, their wounds and strengths. I love being a part of a couple, I love to soothe, to comfort, to please, to laugh with a partner, the comfort, the warmth, the safety. However, now is not the time for that. It may be a time to date around but I struggle with that. I don't do much of anything in a casual manner. I'd like to though. Play the field, have fun without love. We'll see how it goes. For now, that has played a very minor role in this phase of my development. I do wonder though if I need to have a real wild period. Just explore. Sound fun, huh?

The focus now though is not on a man. The focus is on becoming the most whole, healthy and happy person I can be.

New

2008-12-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

This was an interesting weekend. A lot happened but not a lot happened. Guess there were a lot of emotional shifts. I feel a sense of closure with my relationship and a new rebirth for myself.

I am interested in re-doing the flower bed in the back of my studio but I think I will wait for spring and turn it into a vegetable and edible flower garden. How cool would that be?

I am reading that book, "The Secret" as sort of a little activity with my mom. We are both reading it and are going to do our Wishboards together. Not sure if that is what you call them but basically the book is about the Law of Attraction. It states that whatever comes to you is what you are putting into the universe. Makes sense I guess but my major issue with it is that it says that feeling bad at all is going to put negative things in your life. To me, that doesn't make sense. I wish I knew how to not feel bad ever but I don't. Not really sure that I want to not ever feel bad, that doesn't seem human to me. But I will give the book a chance. There has to be some merit in the ideas, even if I don't adopt them as my own.

What else...went to the movies this weekend with a friend. Had a great time. We saw, "Slumdog Millionaire" a movie set mostly in Mumbai. Interesting story, good movie.

So life is calm and nice. Phew!

the roller coaster continues

2008-12-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Breakups suck....But when I trust the universe's plan for me, I do feel some comfort. What a roller coaster. First I am up and it is (at times) thrilling, then something happens and I fall, my stomach plummeting to the center of the earth. And I am dramatic and emotional and hateful and lost.

But what else can I do but wait it out? Ride the coaster praying for more trust, more faith, more of that which I deserve....I posted this painting of Frida Kahlo's because I was recently inspired to start a new painting series that picks up where I left off. One of the paintings that I have done which seems to attact attention was done after a different heartbreak. It was very "Kahlo-esque". I want to create more paintings like that with the heart at the center. If I have learned anything, it's that I am a woman who leads with her heart. And my heart will carry me through many a thorny thicket but also peaceful fields that stop you to catch your breath and marvel at this great beautiful world we live in.

I want to pretend that I am in my optimism, which I can't say is a complete lie, but I am in a dark place. That is okay, though. There is growth here, and laughter. Sometimes I want to say, "fuck character building" but I know that I cannot live any other way. Even against my will, I will always chase growth. And I really like that about myself, so ha!

tears on my laptop

2008-11-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

I guess this is when the pain finally settles in
don't want to hear your voice
it's like needle on bone
yet my heart is screaming for you
just want you to come and take me home

and I'm cold
sitting here alone and changed
tears on my laptop
love gone technical
when I am a natural kinda girl

I thought I cried you all out
thought for a second I was ok
thought this love into a grave

so I listen to sad songs
do all the things the heartbroken do
i hate you then I love you
just want to feel you

I've reached that uncomfortable spot. The place where even your bones feel cold. Experience tells me that this won't last forever. I'm just sick of the same mistakes.

Heartwrenching Post #1

2008-11-12T11:55:00.001-08:00

Wow, I guess the Title kind of puts a big expectation on what may ensue here- in this little screen, that peeks in some little window in this big bleeding heart o'mine.

To cut to the chase, cuz I like to do that, Mike and I broke up. It was a civil breakup, a sweet breakup. Lots of girl tears and hugging. A logical outcome to an illogical dance. Dagnabit I love that adorable bugger but I guess these things happen. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. Which to me seems like it can only be a good thing. There is still a low cloud hanging over me but I feel an appropriate amount of bloodletting has occurred. I reached out to a lot of friends, who brought me much comfort, smoked entirely too many disgusting cigarrettes and then fell into a deep sleep. The dreams were weird-I will try and journal them here:

There was a lot of fog. I am in a school that looks a lot like the Harry Potter Hogwart's Academy (nerdy analogy, I know). I remember my brothers were there and at one point I am driving a tiny carmengia (is that how you spell it?) with a manual transmission through a room full of ghosts on the way to my next class. They are everywhere, mainly staying put sometimes popping out of nowhere. They are mostly female and dressed in old fashioned clothes. Io have to swerve to miss them and the car can barely contain me. It looks like an old fashioned bumper car except smaller. They are haunting and eerie but I am not afraid the ghosts will physically harm me. I finally get through but I am worried about my younger brother. He is doing crazy physical challenges jumping on tables and sliding through doorways. At one point, I am in the school's laundromat and John Mayer walks in extremely drunk. He announces to everyone, "Hey everyone, I'm John Mayer and I smoke cigarrettes!". He kind of falls on me as I tell that I too have been secretly smoking cigarrettes. We laugh and start to make out. I feel his body on mine, it feels good. Different.
Cut to the class again, I am walking down the auditorium style aisles. There are benches instead of individual seats. I secretly look forward to the inevitable physical contact. There is a well put together asian girl who has created a martha stewart like spread of beautifully crafted breads and cakes. Her friends, all equally prim and proper, stare at the treats with hungry eyes. I want some but know I'd never ask.

This is all I remember for now. My friend Jeff had a series of dreams after a recent breakup that seemed pretty prolific. I figure I might as well jot these down so that I can see where the message, if any, lies.

I didn't go into work today. Didn't want to start crying when someone mentioned something random that my mind would connect with Mike. I started to let my brain wander down the path of "what is he doing"? How long before he dates again? Fucks again? Loves again? Why couldn't we make it work? But then I also remembered things that rubbed me the wrong way or made me feel less than that I don't have to contend with anymore. I feel okay now, but will I feel okay later? If I get over this in a matter of days does that mean I didn't love him? But I do love him. I miss his arms and the smell of his skin. Everything feels colder without him.

the sun is setting

2008-10-31T07:30:00.002-07:00

on an old chapter and now begins another. There is a change coming that is both BIG and small at once. I got my own place and will be moving out of the apartment that Mike and I set up together. We are still together so it's not that much will change between us (at least not the good things, I hope) but it is certainly an adult decision about taking care of our personal beings and giving ourselves the space to make things work.

In some moments I am ecstatic. Ready for the new adventure, ready to run and to sit on the beach to watch sunsets such as the one here. And then there are the moments that I cringe at the thought of change. There are the moments that I still want to believe that this is somehow someone's fault. In my heart, I know that this is just life. There is no fault at play. Truly, this is an opportunity to reclaim the self and be more whole.

The picture above is from a Google search of "Hermosa Beach". I relate to it I guess. A darkness in the foreground and yet a bright shining sun on the horizon.

hectic day=quick day

2008-10-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a crazy day at work and I am actually quite grateful for it. I was soooooo tired because I was up until about 2am last night. Still feeling incredibly raw from the issues brought up by the cleanse, I totally ate wrong and did other "bad for me" things yesterday. Most of the morning was spent trying to figure out how to get out of the office and back to my bed but luckily the work kept coming and I forgot to be tired. Well, I did cave and have some coffee. I didn't want to I swear! But I did round things out a bit by eating vegetarian and mostly raw all day. That certainly helped. I want to keep that up as long as possible. Was able to work through a pretty fierce Burger and Fries craving but I know now that a craving is totally different than the feeling that comes after eating dead food. I am very happy wtih my decision to eat well today. This post will be short, just wanted to check in. Am feeling quite a bit better today due to some insightful talks with co-workers regarding surrendering to my present and also the theraputic nature of being silly. *Phew* I really needed that.

back in the land of "eaters"

2008-10-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well, let me just say that the gift of fasting is the glory of tasting the foods you missed. Never a big fan of OJ, the fresh squeezed OJ tasted insanely good yesterday. I got to about 5pm on OJ alone and then decided I had to push the boundaries and went to whole foods for some veggie soup. I ended up buying a sourdough roll as well. I was not supposed to go beyond the juice on day one but I had no real problems. I ate the food extremely slow. A small soup and the roll took me about 3 hours to eat. Gotta admit I was scared. But then after an hour and no issues, I ended up pushing again and ate two small dark chocolate squares. Still no issues. I think I ate more than my body really wanted but it was actually quite pleasant.

I don't know what I was thinking today but I ate some pop tarts and immediately felt sleepy and fuzzy headed. Those things have gotta be so bad for you. Bad planning was a big culprit there. I also have to remember the beauty of eating slowly. That was one of the things I did on the fast, and yesterday that really helped me. I am terrible about scarfing down food.

Also of note is that my bowels haven't quite awoken so I am looking forward to getting my intestines empty again. There is always the smooth move tea but I am trying to avoid that. I can feel the weight of the bread I ate yesterday. It is going to be a challenge, but I am looking forward to eating more raw foods. I certainly notice the difference.

Day 10

2008-10-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was a crappy day. I was an emotional wreck and today I literally feel hungover. Therefore, I will break the fast today. I know a lot of people would consider my cleansing "just beginning" but I truly feel that this may not be the proper fast for me. Not once during the cleanse have I had anything remotely resembling "euphoria" or high energy. It has been an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I am not sure it was worth it but I did get some lessons out of it. Mostly, it has brought to light some of the issues that I really need to work on-self-esteem and honesty with self, trust.

So for today and part of tomorrow I will start on the fresh citrus juice and then move to veggie broth. I am really sad today so I have only had water so far. We are riding our bikes into Culver City so I am going to get some juice at M Cafe....

It seems as though my weight was waiting to come off as I lost two pounds yesterday alone. This makes for a total of 7 pounds. In the future, I am trying to incorporate more regular exercise into my routine and try and eat more raw foods in my diet.

I am going to sign off for now.

2008-10-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am having a reallllly hard time today. Trying to take it all minute by minute but I just cannot stop the food cravings....I don't know what that means but I am going to go on the forum and try and find some advice. If tomorrow is like this too, I don't think I will go past ten.

Days 8 and 9

2008-10-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I didn't get around to posting yesterday but I felt much much better than I had on day 7. During the day I felt pretty normal but I was still struggling with the lemonades. I think I only got in about 5 or 5 and a half servings. In our little office refrigerator I had stored some maple syrup and I overestimated how much was there. It was only enough for about 4 servings so I had to make that last the day since I didn't want to buy another expensive thing of ms. I guess I am getting used to a not full belly. The work day was okay, somewhat non-eventful but I tried to get a lot of water in. We also had to drive to Claremont for Michael's sister's birthday party. The food looked really good but I didn't cave. Mike's mom said it looked like my cheeks were caved in. I guess the weight loss is finally starting to kick in. It was a relatively uneventful day. My teeth are definitely more sensitive though. I find it hard to try and rinse my mouth out after drinking the lemonade because it feels like I am contantly drinking it. Was going to take a tongue picture before bed last night but was lazy and didn't do it. I also skipped the SWF because I need to rebel from the cleanse somehow. The day before had been so challenging for me, I needed to try and get revenge on the cleanse. Stupid. I know that only slows this whole thing up. So I am back to the SWF this morning and am trying to get much more water in. I want my tongue to turn pink so I can be done with this.

Looking at today's tongue picture, I definitely see an improvement in "pinkness". Eran said he'd bet that I go pink on day 12 or 13. We'll see. I don't think I will be quitting tomorrow. I sort of feel unfinished but if I am not pink by day 15, I think I am still going to stop. Never say never, I guess but that's pretty much where I am at. So I will committ to SWF every day until the end of the cleanse and trying to get extra water in. May go for a sauna at the gym later.

On day 7 I was feeling very discouraged because I hadn't really lost much weight at all. As of today, day 9, I have lost about 5-5.5 pounds since I started. That seems like way less than everyone else but I can't compare myself to others. It also made me realize how messed up I am over my body image and that I did this a bit more for vanity reasons than I thought. I knew i wanted to lose some weight but I guess it just got really in my face when I was honest with myself about how disapointed I was over the lack of weight lost so far. From my understanding, this is a CLEANSE, not a weight loss system. Weight loss is just one of the side effects. Don't get me wrong, I did do this for other reasons too that I think are healthy and valid but rendering it somewhat useless when I wasn't losing weight was an ugly experience. I figured I would quit on day 10 because I felt I had learned the major lesson: "don't do things for the wrong reasons" and that I should eat well and exercise more. However, now I am starting to feel more aligned with carrying out the cleansing portion and really want to get to the goal of a clear tongue. Who knows. I do really miss food though. I see that abstaining completely from certain foods may be the only way that I can avoid my addictive relationship with them. Not sure if I can do that for now but they way I am programmed, I have a hard time stopping eating cookies once I start....

I put on a pair of pants this morning that haven't fit for a few months and now they feel great. Guess that means that my body is changing. I am supposed to go over to a neighbor's house to help with a fish fry. That is going to be a bit tough so I don't know how long I will be staying there. A big juicy burger, some cornmeal fried fish and some french fries with lots of ketchup sounds heavenly right now. These darn cravings have been rough....Well, I guess I'll see ya on day 10!

Rough Morning

2008-10-23T12:27:00.001-07:00

Wow, I think it was my own fault but that was a TOUGH one. I am just coming out of about three hours of nausea and chills. Although from what I have read, day 7 can be a doozy, I am thinking that this is the fault of my bc pill. I realized I forgot to take one yesterday so I took it at night and then took the regularly scheduled pill this morning. Lots of estrogen and an empty stomach do not go hand in hand. Speaking of, there are some conflicting ideas about taking the pill and doing this cleanse as many consider the pill to be a toxin that it would be ironic to continue on while doing this. I decided to go with the group that feels it is okay. I hadn't had any issues until today and I probably would have had this issue even if I wasn't on the cleanse. Am a bit sensitve to those stupid pills which I am not so fond of. Unfortunately or Fortunately, I am more fond of them than of the idea of having a child right now so I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.....MMMMM cookies.....

The sad side effect of all this though is that I was only able to get down one glass of lemonade this morning.

-0------------------some time later-------------------
so I got home a little while ago and I just had my second glass of lemonade. I feel much much better. I might not do 15 days. I won't do less than 10 but I don't know about the 15 anymore. I will expand upon this at a later time.

2008-10-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep so I figured I would chronicle some of the thoughts running around my head...Got a massage tonight and I was trying to look at my fears. It seems they revolve around 'FAILURE'-a profound fear of failure. But what is failure, really? When I think about it outside the box it seems to me a greedy thing. It doesn't account for the benefit of the experience itself. A shortchanged focus on outcome. So why is it that I fear it? Does it even exist if your perspective does not acknowledge it?

I've been pretty cool with LA since I came back last year this time but tonight I feel like LA has really fucked with my head. I mean, I just don't feel "good enough" here. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not talented enough, not aggressive enough, not slutty enough, not unique enough. Just not enough. And that makes me sad. Because I know I am enough. More than enough but I've got someone else's standards in my brain. LA is the epicenter of the female mindfuck. We've got so much plastic surgery and anorexia around here it is insane. I joke about it but shit, I want to get a mild case of anorexia real bad like. But what would it take to make me feel "enough"? I think about moving to somewhere different, outdoorsy like Colorado or something. Not so far that I feel like I am a world away (like I felt in NY) but not SF or LA. This is a thing I've always done really, this switcheroo thingymajig. I get "urbaned out" and need to retreat. There is a certain level of excitement that I really enjoy in LA but sometimes I just plain feel like it hurts my heart. I would love to be somewhere that isn't so centrally located within this hollywood scene. I want priority to be on being active, enjoying the seasons and doing things that don't revolve around material prestige. Damn, this cleanse is bringing out my inner hippy big time....She may be the most honest me though. I want fleece and cold noses, hair that smells like burning wood and air that is sweet. Hard wood floors and tea kettles and fresh figs in the summertime. Flowers picked on the twilight walk.

This year has been hard in terms of seeing how sexist the world still is or maybe I should say how sexist hollywood is. I am really curious to know what would happen if there was a huge movement among media sources and that men were all depicted with enourmous dongs. Just everywhere, perfect man abs and huge cocks. Seriously. That's basically what is going on right now with women----everything airbrushed and plastic. LA is like living inside a magazine or tv. I know it's all a part of a fantasy but the consequence seems so unworth it. And where the hell did these fantasies come from anyway?
So instead of just bitching about it on a blog, I have done something. Well I did this a while ago really but I am still waiting for the package...I signed up to get trained to run self-esteem workshops for young women. Out here I think it is a neccesity. Believe it or not, I can be more confident than most and I will be the first to say that it's brutal in here.

Even though I am feeling really dumpy these days and DID start this cleanse partially because I wanted to reclaim my self image, I've only lost 3 pounds since I started the MC. I'm not focusing on that but I would be lying if I didn't say that I was surprised and frankly, disapointed. However, I know that I have to get in as much lemonade as I need and that this is more so helping me find my way back to something that will hopefully help me stay aligned with taking better care of myself, mind and body. Looks like someone needs to go camping!

2008-10-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Here is today's tongue picture. Thought I would let you all in on the fact that I am basically Gene Simmons in female form...except I'm not a jerkoff.

I really thought I noticed a lot more white fuzz but again, looking at the other photos I can't tell. Well I am going to lie down now. Having weird thoughts that don't benefit me. I'm scared of a lot----this isn't a new realization but it is a frustrating one that repeats over and over to me. But I will write more tomorrow. Good night.

Is this what heaven looks like?

2008-10-22T09:13:00.002-07:00

I woke up early (5am) to do the salt water cleanse and a bit to my dismay, I found that I was still eliminating well past 6:30a. The ride to work was touch and go for a second there but I made it and no major damage has been done...So far today has been the best day I have had yet. My energy is more balanced and I feel quite good. I made a big batch of lemonade while I waited for the SWF to take effect but I haven't had any yet. This seems to be the growing challenge for me, actually taking in the calories...The unfortunate outcome of this is the tortuous google image search I just did "cookies and cupcakes"....Man, I am such a sugar addict.

The rest of the evening last night went okay. I was able to take a few minutes to meditate and I think that was just what I needed. Will follow up tonight with more meditation. I focused my gratitude on having the opportunity to be good to my body and spirit. A major motivator for this cleanse was to get more in touch with my spirituality and yet I wasn't taking enough time to allow myself to go there. Yesterday was hard mostly because I was fighting this whole thing. I was bitter that I couldn't eat and felt tired. Once I embraced the cleansing that was taking place, a lot lifted. The early morning has certainly made me miss the pep of coffee but I know that I will get through it.

Was talking with my friend Jen and found out that she is vegan. This was a great revelation in that I might actually not have to feel guilty trying to talk people into eating at M Cafe de Chaya or Real Food Daily-----two of my favorite macrobiotic joints. Also found out that a female author I love who wrote "the hip chick's guide to macrobiotics" is teaching a few classes in Santa Monica on Macro cooking and theory. Jen also told me about some great sounding classes through "sporkies"---I think that is what it is called, a vegan sister duo. Lots of cool stuff.
I have kept my evening clear tonight to have some quiet time to meditate and marinate on some of the things I would like to direct myself towards once this cleanse is over. I don't know how I feel about going raw but I would certainly like to get much more living food in. Thinking about trying to omit my beloved red meat and perhaps chicken too. When I lived up at Heartwood, (massage school in Humboldt) I ate vegetarian with wild salmon once every two weeks and looked and felt great. I worry a lot with raw, vegan or macro diets about getting enough satisfying protein in but as many people before me have pointed out, we are a little protein paranoid as a society. It's easier to get it in than we think. But I do enjoy a nice steak once in a while.....

2008-10-21T17:12:00.001-07:00

so here is my tongue picture of the day...Mike's camera is out of batteries so I am using mine that has less pixels. I thought that my tongue was getting pinker, but then I thought it was getting a thicker coating. Looking at the photos, I really cannot tell.

I also think I am going to go back to organic lemons once the ones I bought run out. Also realized that I had my maple syrup out on the counter when I was supposed to have it refrigerated and although it smelled fine, I am convinced it tasted a little weird. Anyway, moved on to new syrup and all is right with the world....;)

Day 5-nothing special to report

2008-10-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

So I keep waiting for this feeling of euphoria and high energy that everyone is talking about but I don't really have it. I have had bouts of "giddyness" but no real high energy thing. May not be getting enough lemonade in... Am averaging about 6-7 servings which is about all I can take. Now that I am back to work I am going to try and up the number and see if I feel better. I do notice that my tongue seems to be losing a bit of the white coating already. That is probably a good sign. There isn't much coming out the other end either. I just can't imagine that I would be almost through cleansing my intestines.

I was steadily losing about a pound a day but oddly enough today I gained some weight. Our scale is a bit weird sometimes but I am not too concerned. I feel a little bloated.

Today was my first day back at work and I think I am experiencing a bit of an emotional low. It's kind of hard to be at work when you feel off. I'm seem to be having cravings today that I thought had went away. I've had almost four lemonades so far but I am really missing food and am just generally "dumpy".

The gala was interesting last night. The songs went pretty well and I ended up singing an a cappella version of the national anthem as well. I was worried I was going to blank on some lyrics but things went off without a hitch. The food looked really good but Mike sweetly told me that it wasn't great at all. He ate about four rolls which usually means that the main course isn't tickling his fancy. He has been really great during this thing. :) It was slightly awkward telling the servers that I wasn't eating. One of them actually noticed my lemonade mixture and said,
"oh, you are doing a cleanse! Got it".
I asked her if she had ever done it and she said no but that friends had. When I told her I was looking to go 15-20 days both her and Mike said, "WHAT!?". We may have to ease him into that one. But who knows if I will make it that long. I think I could but unless I start to feel better soon, I don't know that I will really want to do it that long. The one benefit that I really enjoyed last night was being able to smell the food without wanting to eat it. Peter Glickman talks about being able to do that with foods that he knows aren't good for him. He says he kind of looks at them like "scratch and sniff" stickers. But to do that would be pretty awesome. I find that my sense of smell and my sense of discipline are right next to each other often egging one another to do something stupid.

I skipped the salt water flush today because I didn't want to have to deal at work. I might try and get up early tomorrow to do it but I am not sure. It's a bit of trek from my office to the restroom, I don't know how much I want to deal with that. It was bad enough without it.

Okay, I am going to post a new tongue picture later on today.

Day 4-The Gala

2008-10-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

Today is day 4. I was supposed to go to work today but felt crappy, literally. I had been awoken in the night to find that I really, really had to poop. It's an odd feeling when you urgently have to go but then have little to show for it in "post poop investigations"....

I do feel that the hunger has substantially subsided. Yesterday, Mike and I went on a little hike out in Venice/Marina Del Rey area and although the walk itself was great, everytime we passed an area that smelled of food I thought I was going to attack someone. Just tried to remember that it was supposed to be the worst day as far as cravings are concerned and if I could get through just that day, things would likely be easier tomorrow. This has proven to be the case as I had to kind of force myself to drink some of the lemonade today. It has helped me feel more alert though.

The unflattering photo on the right is of my tongue. I would like to do this cleanse until the growing white coating on my tongue turns to a healthy pink. I guess some people brush their teeth only with water while cleansing but I am not down with that. It may throw off things but I have had to stick to my regular routine of toothpaste brushing. I have noticed that the white coat is thickening though. Thought the best way to chronicle the experience would be to put up daily tongue photos. Might put up a few from the gala as well.

Speaking of the Gala....it's tonight. I'm a little nervous as my energy is definitely altered. I haven't yet experienced the heightened energy that a lot of people speak of on this cleanse. It is my hope that tomorrow will show some of that. I might skip the salt water flush tomorrow too and switch to the tea in the am/pm for the workweek. Even though the flush is certainly getting easier to get down, I am finding that the eliminations are taking longer to set in. Making the SWF experience take about 2 hours or longer to be complete. I got the whole quart down in one drink today. I am finding that if I count the gulps, it makes it easier. The cramping is also less but then when you gotta go, you better be close to the bathroom or else. I don't know that I want to have to deal with that at work. Also to be considered is that we have bathrooms that seem constantly occupied and Mike told me this morning that my "eliminations" were really dreadful in the smell department. We got a good laugh out of the gargantuan stink coming out of my tushie but I felt bad for him. But oh yeah, back to the discussion of energ----uh oh, gotta eliminate---okay, I'm back. So energy...well, I feel much more spacey yet peaceful. I have thought about trying to increase my lemonade but after 7 servings I am pretty much done. I think the fact that I have been having my first serving well after 11am probably makes it harder. I bet when I get to work I will drink more and we will see how my energy is then. Even still, feeling "fine" is way different than how I am used to feeling. I don't have that same grounded feeling but I am trying to embrace this. I notice that my disposition is more patient and loving. Thought I might be more irritable but I don't think so. Also noted that during our walk yesterday, I did not have any muscle fatigue. It was good to get a little exercise. What I am working on today is getting my songs in order for the gala and trying to allow food smells to be a pleasant experience but not one that invokes hunger. Peter Glickman said in his book that when he smells food that he wants to eat but that isn't healthy for him, he kind of thinks of it as a scratch and sniff sticker. I would love to be able to do that. Okey-doke, I am going to go rehearse now.

Days 2 and 3

2008-10-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Most of day one went quite well. A lot of the fears I had about the sugar not working for me subsided as I felt perfectly fine. I had plenty of energy and really was not hungry. I certainly got cravings but as I read in Peter Glickman's book, I realized that my cravings were linked to that undigested food moving through my system. Thoughts of ethiopian food constantly taunted me.
The evening ended with quite a headache that the book says is due to a caffeine habit. It lasted into the second day but is gone now.

Onto day 2:
Mike worked today as well so I had the apartment to myself to do my salt water cleanse and read close to the bathroom...I had several eliminations but they were mainly watery with some mucous in them. Kind of gross but not so bad. I weighed myself in the morning before the salt water and had lost exactly one pound. Getting the salt water down was awful like the first day but I did it in about 4 minutes.

A bit more tired today, I layed around a lot reading the Peter Glickman book and taking it easy. I had made plans a few weeks back to meet some friends for lunch in Long Beach that I didn't want to flake out on so those were my only solid plans for the weekend. I made a thirty oz batch of the lemonade (3 servings) and headed to Long Beach with Monique and Jeff. I was a bit spacey so I am glad that we were all able to car pool. Margaret, Max, Jacob, Rudy and Benito all showed up and I was so grateful for the laughter that ensued. It was hard to not eat but probably not as bad as it could have been. I definitely think I have put a clear boundary for myself that I am not going to break this cleanse for at least 10 days. I'd really like to do the full 20 the more I think about it. Everything in my research seems to say that the most spiritual aspects of the cleanse happen after 10 days. These are certainly motivators in my decision to take on this challenge. By the time we got back on the road, I was sooooo hungry. I had finished all the lemonade I had brought and just wanted to devour anything and everything. I kept getting this intense craving for some crusty french bread....oh man, just writing that sounds sooooo good right now. I could go off on an orgiastic list of what I think I want to eat right now but I will spare you the delicious details.

Perhaps the hardest part of yesterday was having to go to the grocery store to get more lemons when I was soooo hungry. I had to really get in and out of there quickly. However, the bright side of all of this was that once I did have the lemonade, I felt much better. Had my Chocolate Smooth move tea and went to bed. I had steeped the tea a bit longer than normal on accident (I lost track of time) and it gave me some cramps in the middle of the night. I even had to get up twice to make little and somewhat unfulfilling poops in the wee hours.

Day 3:
My stomach was still cramping this morning but I am having eliminations with a lot of mucous. In case you can't tell, this is a good thing. ;) No headache at all but a little bit of achiness and a thicker white coating on my tongue. I definitely seem to be on track as far as today being the most intense detox day. I've also felt more cold than normal (supposedly a result of my metabolism slowing down). Mike has the day off today so I think we may go on a hike. I want to be in a natural and peaceful setting and feel the sun. I need to get some lemonade in me cuz I can tell I am hungry. Oh yeah, also lost exactly one pound again this morning. Feeling pretty good so far. Tomorrow will present the new challenge of doing this while working....I think I am going to allow myself to buy non-organic lemons because I am not using any of the peel. Tried to get all organic stuff but I read that it doesn't matter if the lemons are organic if you are squeezing them as opposed to putting them through a juicer. Okay, off to have my lemonade brunch!

Day 1-Now what exactly am I doing?

2008-10-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

I just drank 32 oz of lukewarm water with 2 tsp's of sea salt dissolved in it. In about 3-5 minutes.

"wait a minute, what" you say?

uh oh, hold on. I think the maddness is starting. Ooh and only 14 minutes after I drank it.

Okay, I am back. That wasn't so bad but I am sure there is more where that came from. Oh dude, that would be so much funnier if you had also just drank a liter of friggin' salt water....but I digress.
In case you haven't figured it out by now, I am on day one of a 15 (perhaps 21) day master cleanse. Yes, this is the lemonade fast that some people rave about and others think is a joke. I have decided that I would figure out for myself.

I tried to do this a few years back and couldn't even get through day one. I don't think my body was responding well at all to the high sugar content of the maple syrup. But I feel like I am in a pretty different state these days and it just felt right.

Here is a list of my intentions for this cleanse:

-cleanse for the season change
-really take the time to flush out the bad crud stuck in my system (emotionally and otherwise)
-reprogram how I am eating (I believe that I have convinced myself that "cake" is one of the four major food groups)
-exert the personal discipline to do this
-slim down a little (in regards to this one, I know that some people really look down on those who do this to lost weight but I have to be honest that I am a bit beyond my comfort zone weight wise and therefore the side effect of this cleanse of weight loss does motivate me a bit. I realize that I will likely gain back at least some of the weight I lose which is fine. Mainly, what I see as restructuring my food preferences is the main reward and will balance out my health/weight.

Here are some of my fears:

-I know this is really a mind game so I am afraid of giving up and then getting down on myself. I am trying to look at it in a sense of "just do it, do not give yourself the option of failling". That usually gets me through things when I don't want to do them but I feel really firm right now about doing this for at least 4 days. I hear days 1-3 are the hardest.
-I have a performance on Monday and I am worried I will be having a low day but if I am "typical" most people say day 4 (which would be Monday) is one of the best days.
-I worry that this is the wrong type of cleanse for my body. As I have never reacted to sugar well (even though I am severly addicted to it) I hope that this cleanse won't just make current conditions worse.

Okay, now we've got fear and intentions out of the way. I am sure I will have more to write later. I've planned an easy day with a trip to Santa Monica in there. Going to get my dress for the Gala on Monday and also pick up a book on the cleanse that Eran highly recc. So for now, I will wait out the rest of this salt water flush and then get ready to go.

I drank the chocolate smooth move tea last night (steeped for 10 min) and I am happy to report that I had no cramps. Unlike now with the salt water. It worked quite well too as I had an elimination right after I woke up.

*Warning-if you can't take "poo talk" don't read this blog*

Okay, just had the second "water from ass" of the morning.

Anyway, I feel good about this and I will be working towards the goal of 15-21 days of this routine (6-12 cups/day of the lemon mixture, salt water flushes and senna tea).

Later,
Juni